Marrying into Catholicism

Hi guys! 

So this is a blog post that I’ve been intending to write pretty much since getting engaged, and I think it’s actually really important to talk about. It’s also going to be a difficult one to write, because I desperately don’t want to disrespect or miscommunicate some of my feelings towards my relationship with Catholicism. Therefore it’ll probably be very wordy, so I apologise in advance!

I feel that the best place to start is to give you an overview of my religious background, and my beliefs. I was christened as a baby (C of E), but have never really been raised with any religious views. I don’t wish to speak on behalf of my parents but I don’t think either of them are strong believers of God (though I know mum was raised in a relatively religious household as a child). It was always something in our family that we can explore if we want to, but nothing was ever forced upon us; it was always our choice. It was something I gave some thought to initially in late primary school as I started learning things in RE. At that time, I decided that I was agnostic; quite frankly, the whole thing was a bit confusing for me! In secondary school, I became very interested in science, and my way of thinking became much more rational, in the sense of desiring proof to explain certain things. Obviously there has always been the science vs faith debate – one of my favourite songs actually pays tribute to it! (Science and Faith by The Script, check it out if you’ve never heard it!) So secondary school led to me deciding that I don’t believe in God (I was never a strong believer so it wasn’t a milestone moment), mainly due to proof of evolution, lack of proof from bible stories, and the horrors of the world, which didn’t seem possible to me if there was an all-loving God.

However, I don’t believe that there is nothing. I believe in a version of “Heaven”, where all our loved ones go (I’ve never considered if there is a “Hell” in my beliefs as I’m fairly sure none of my family would be there!). In this “Heaven”, they look out for us (I guess in the way that Christians believe God does.) This was a belief that stemmed primarily from the loss of my Nanny when I was a young teenager; I’d often speak to her at times, tell her about my life, and talk about the things that I wanted to happen in the future – I guess in a way I prayed to her? She was a massive comfort to me in times of trouble, and as stupid as it sounds, a lot of the stuff I “asked” her to help me with, came true. I’m sure that there are plenty of flaws in this belief, and it’s probably not real but it’s comforting feeling that the loved ones I’ve lost are still around, watching over me. 

So that in a nutshell is what I believe – essentially, our own family members and close friends play the role that Christians believe God does. And while my upbringing didn’t really have any religious elements, Anthony’s certainly did. His father is C of E, and his paternal grandfather is actually a C of E vicar. His mother’s family are Roman Catholic, and this is the religion in which he and his older brother were raised. They regularly attended church, they went to a Catholic primary school, and they served at the altar at their church. Anthony’s religion is really important to him, and that’s something that I’m really proud of; but it is something which in the early stages of our relationship troubled me.

Let me just make clear here that I’ve always been really respectful of other people’s religious beliefs, whether they are Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, anything! Just because I don’t believe in it doesn’t mean it’s not important to someone else. But it is also something that I rarely had to think about, as I didn’t really know many religious people. It was something I didn’t really understand, and didn’t really need to know, so was easier to just not worry about it. Then of course I met Anthony, and it was soon apparent to me how much his religion meant to him. Now please don’t get me wrong, his religion never put me off him as a person. It just concerned me and made me slightly uncomfortable because I was extremely uneducated in what Catholicism is, and how I would fit into his life while not sharing his beliefs – it didn’t seem possible to me. 

Anthony has always been incredible with me and my lack of religion. He has never forced me to believe in anything, never asked me to become Catholic, never pushed me away because I don’t share his belief; he’s just loved and respected me as the person I am. He’s patiently educated me about Catholicism but only when I’ve asked about it; he’s never forced knowledge onto me, and never scoffed when I haven’t understood what he’s talking about. He’s been so respectful of my lack of faith, just as I have been with his relationship with Catholicism. His parents have also been amazing; when I met them for the first time, I was worried that they wouldn’t approve of me because I wasn’t Catholic (which seems ridiculous knowing them now because they are the loveliest people!) but it was never even a slight issue!

There has never been a time that I wished Anthony wasn’t Catholic; though there were times I was annoyed about some of the “impracticalities” it caused, particularly earlier in our relationship. A prime example is me not being able to see him on Sunday mornings (bear in mind we were at school when we first got together and we lived a 45 minute drive from each other, so could only really see each other at weekends, especially before we could drive!). But these feelings of annoyance eased very quickly, as I got to see how part of the reason he’s who he is today is because of his religion. I very quickly stopped worrying about the effect that his religion would have on our relationship, and instead delved into sharing it with him; learning his views and beliefs, why it is so important to him and how it shaped him as a person. 

I think deep down, we always knew we were going to get married, but obviously it didn’t really become a reality until about 6 months after we started living together. At this point, I felt that I had to give thought again to my feelings about Catholicism. I couldn’t see it being a dealbreaker, but it was definitely something I had to consider; would it be an issue later in life? As I mentioned earlier, up to this point we only really spoke about it when I wanted to, and it didn’t really have much to do with our relationship; his belief was his own personal thing. But I knew that once we married, even though I don’t have to become a Catholic, it will have a much more significant impact on my life. I don’t think I felt emotionally ready to face that, and I think in truth a lot of that was because I was embarrassed that I still felt like I didn’t know anything about Catholicism! So it was something that I pushed to the back of my mind, and I focused more on the superficial elements of what getting engaged would be like, like the ring and the wedding dress. 

Almost a year after these initial considerations of life with a Catholic husband, Anthony popped the question. It was the best moment of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever have a feeling like it. The love that you feel in that moment in indescribable. But a week or so later, once the initial excitement had died down slightly, the religious thoughts came back to the forefront of my mind. I knew that I had to speak to Anthony about it, because there was absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I wanted to marry him, but I definitely needed more understanding about Catholicism and what my role would be within it. As ever, he was incredible. Obviously he’s never been married before either, so the notion of a Catholic wedding was relatively new ground for both of us. But he was able to provide some insight into what would be expected in a Catholic marriage. We spoke very frankly and honestly about how we felt about each element, and our thoughts and feelings aligned perfectly. I can’t explain what a relief this was! And from that moment on, I felt so much more comfortable about Catholicism than I ever had before, and chose to make the huge step to go to church with Anthony. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in churches; I feel almost like a hypocrite being there. But we went along, and Anthony was (again!) amazing. He constantly checked I was ok, told me when to stand, when to kneel, what I do and don’t have to take part in (e.g. communion), and just made the whole experience so easy for me. 

We went to meet the priest after Mass and Anthony introduced me as his fiancée (it was a bit of an eeeee! moment as I hadn’t heard him call me that before!). I wasn’t expecting the priest to judge me as such, but I was unsure (as I had been with his parents) about whether he would disapprove of Anthony marrying a non-Catholic who is not willing to convert to become a Catholic myself. But not only was there no judgement, but also no pressure; just a happiness to meet me and welcome me to the church. We’ve been to church together several times since, and he is always so welcoming and so friendly! He has also made this whole journey so much easier for me.

We’ve also been to Anthony’s home church in East Hendred (where we’re getting married) together a few times. It was really reassuring when we had the order of service discussion with Father Andrew (the priest marrying us). He explained what sort of things are expected in a catholic marriage and when he asked if I was planning to convert, I was nervous saying no, but again, there was no judgement. On Christmas Eve he also took the time to come and find me personally after the service to say it was good to see me. We’ve also finished our online Marriage Prep course, with mixed results! But generally I think it’s been a good thing for us. 

So within less than a year, I’ve gone from someone who was always respectful of Catholicism but had no desire to be a part of it, to someone who is actually incredibly proud to be marrying into it. My beliefs haven’t changed, and I don’t see myself ever being a Catholic, but I’m so happy that my husband will be, as will our children. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster (though not really with any downs as such, just a few spirals), but I feel that the personal growth I’ve made during the journey to better understand Catholicism is really special. Also the desire for it to be a part of my life (not just willingness as I always thought it would be, but actual desire!) – That’s something that I never ever thought I’d be saying!

Anthony obviously gets a lot of credit for this, as does Father Danny (our local priest), and also Anthony’s parents. The wedding is almost 2 months away now, and I just feel so delighted that I actually want to get married in a Catholic church! It’s been a really special journey.