Body Confidence

Hi guys!

I’ve been debating since getting engaged whether I want to write this post, but I’ve figured that I should for several reasons. Number 1, I’m hoping that it will keep me motivated. Number 2, hopefully it can inspire someone? And number 3, I feel like every single person in this world deals with some sort of insecurity on a daily basis, and I feel like I’m coming from a really positive place now so maybe it can help people deal with their own issues.

My family have always been “nicely covered” as my mum puts it- I tend to go for curvy but quite frankly, it all amounts to a nice way of saying that none of us are naturally slim! But that wasn’t something I really noticed until I was about 14; I think that’s the age a lot of girls start to notice the media pressure and the difference in their body compared to other girls the same age – I’m sure it’s also true for guys! My friends were all quite slim, so it was when we were getting ready for parties etc. that I’d notice I couldn’t wear their clothes because they were too small, and I couldn’t buy similar clothes to them because you needed a flat stomach to pull them off. It didn’t bother me too much because I was quite good at dressing to hide my size (don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t obese! But I was carrying some timber).

The reason I lost weight is actually a little bit ridiculous, but regardless it set me off on a really great journey to getting somewhat comfortable in my skin, so I’m glad I chose to take on the ludicrous task of dropping 2 dress sizes in 3 weeks! So the thing that spurred me to lose weight was… a fancy dress costume. In year 12, me and a group of friends decided to go as characters from Shrek to our “Fright Night”. I was going as the fairy godmother (Shrek 2) and my friend Holly had the perfect dress! So I went to try it on… and it wouldn’t do up. Not even close. Holly said it was fine and we could find something else, but something in my head just clicked. It was almost definitely my competitive nature, but I decided that I was DEFINITELY going to get in that dress, whatever it took. I won’t detail my diet plan for those three weeks, because it most certainly wasn’t healthy, quite frankly it was dangerous! But 3 weeks later, the dress zipped up. (Before and after below)

After Fright Night, I felt amazing. I felt confident, I felt slim, I just felt like I wasn’t embarrassed of who I was for the first time in a long time. But actually this feeling stemmed from the fact that I knew other people had commented on my weight loss, so they must be impressed right? Which means I must look ok? Basically, my “confidence” was actually based on insecurity – it was entirely what other people thought of me. I still hated my body, and knew there was a long way to go. So I continued with the weight loss, but in a much healthier way! I managed to maintain it fairly solidly during uni (shout out to my gym-buddy Em for keeping me in shape despite the alcohol and takeaways) – I put on a bit of weight in third year when I discovered that I actually love wine as a casual drink, as well as to get drunk on! But still I looked pretty decent when I graduated. (Start of uni and end of uni photos below)

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it went downhill, but I’m pretty sure it started when we went to Florida. Obviously I put on weight while I was there due to all the incredible food (but also the incredible sized portions!), and then I think it just spiralled out of control. I knew I’d put on weight, but think I had what I’m calling “comfortable syndrome”. I was living with Anthony, I knew he loved me, everything was working out well with us living together, and life generally was pretty good! But I was also unhappy in my job (and surrounded by food while I was there), which led to comfort eating. This alongside the fact that I knew Anthony loved me for me and not how I looked led to me being bigger than I’d ever been.

The next turning point should have been my cousins wedding in January this year, and it was initially! I lost a couple of inches off everywhere in the space of two months (September-November), but then put on a stupid amount of weight over Christmas and was still big for her wedding. Then, I got engaged. Obviously, weight was something I considered from day 1 – I need to get slim for the wedding. Once we set the date for Feb, the plan was simple – lose almost too much weight before Christmas so that I could put some on and still look amazing for our wedding! But again, that didn’t happen.

So, I’m sure you have probably worked it out by now but I REALLY love food, and don’t really enjoy exercise. I force myself to exercise because I don’t want to make too many compromises on food; I literally cannot stress how much I love food. I wake up and plan dinner. I go on a night out and while I’m getting ready I plan what food I’m getting at the end of the night. I have had, and will always have, fat-girl-brain. But I’ve learned over time how to deal with that (by making healthier substitutions where possible, exercising harder if I know I’ve got a big meal coming up, and also just accepting that sometimes you’re allowed to eat and drink! There’s no point restricting your food and drink intake if it means you’re going to have a miserable time). I think what’s also key in this change of confidence is the shift in my attitude. I’ve accepted that everyone has flaws, and that my stomach will probably never be flat, and I will never have a thigh gap. But that’s ok! I also have a proportionally small waist, pretty decent boobs and bum, my skin is quite good and I don’t dislike my face. Writing that isn’t comfortable because part of me still doesn’t feel like I should like the way I look because it’s vain, and what if I see myself as pretty when no one else does? I still deal with these insecurities on a daily basis. But I think the way I deal with this is knowing that life is too short. I know that I have parts of my body that I love. And I know that with diet and exercise, I can love every part of me!

So that leaves us with where I am now. The short answer is, my body is not where I planned for it to be in terms of size/toning, but actually a lot further than I thought I was a week ago. I don’t seem to notice my weight loss as it happens, it’s very much a before-and-after thing, with nothing in the middle. I was getting frustrated the other night that I didn’t feel I’d lost much even though I’d worked my arse off for 3 weeks. Last time I did that I dropped 2 dress sizes! I was talking to Amy and Mel (cousin and sister, maid of honour and bridesmaid respectively) about it and they said I should take my measurements. That’s how I used to track weight loss and gain, but I hadn’t taken any since March. In fact, that’s a lie, I had taken them since then but they didn’t show any improvement (they actually showed weight gain) and it was really depressing so I didn’t track them. This is why I stopped measuring at all, because I didn’t want to be disheartened. But Mel and Amy kept encouraging me to do so, and it made a massive difference because it turns out I have lost weight, and a fair bit at that!

Now, I am SO aware that last year, I was in a similar situation – tracking weight for a wedding (my cousin Amy’s) and then put on a lot of weight over Christmas. So I am PAINFULLY aware that this Christmas is going to be hard. And January, for that matter. But I feel like I’m in a totally different place. I don’t hate the way I look now, so I just need to maintain it over Christmas, and then focus on toning problem areas. By focusing on my diet, I become obsessed, and then crave everything I can’t have. Not ideal! This time around, it’s everything in moderation. Mum has been telling me this for years, and I hate to admit she’s right (though she always is right in the end) but genuinely, this is the best I’ve ever lost weight, because I don’t wake up hating every day because I can’t eat what I want to.

Now we get to the part that I’ve had to get slightly drunk to decide if I’m going to do this. I have progress pictures. These are tricky for me because firstly, the person in the “before” pictures makes me feel so sick. And also, the person in the “now” pictures (they’re not after, because I’m not done working on me!) isn’t how I want me to be, but is definitely on the way. And there’s a saying, that you can’t see how far you’ve come until you look back at where you started; these pictures define that. I feel like I’d been the same size for 2 years, and though there’s definitely been fluctuations, I’m clearly not the same size anymore! So, here goes… *takes massive swig of gin*

 

 I also feel like here I have to justify these pictures (I will always be a bit insecure!). These pictures are not fishing for compliments at all! I just wanted to address something that has always bothered me, and I used to be so inspired by people sharing photos of their insecurities; I felt I should give it a go. This is a massive step for me and I feel very uncomfortable (and slightly drunk; Dutch courage is a miracle worker!)

I don’t really know where to go from here… so I think to conclude, the main points of this very rambly blog are that I have somehow found body confidence, but while also being aware of my flaws (but no longer intimidated by them). Anthony has been amazing at boosting me up, and my friend Carys from school was also a massive support; she really helped get me to the person I am today, and helped me find some semblance of confidence even when I was big! Obviously there are so many other people that helped me, but actually I think the most influential person was me. Everyone said that when you look back when you’re older, you’ll wish you were as fat as when you thought you were fat – that is so true. I was fat, but I also when I was size 10 with a flat stomach, I thought I was fat because I had rolls when I sat down. With age, you come to realise that those things don’t actually matter, and most people probably have that anyway! The most important person to accept you for who you are is you. I’m happy enough with how I look, but also aware of the areas I need to work on to make me wholly body-happy. But the confidence I feel now just makes me generally a happier person.

I’m going to leave it there because I don’t think there’s anything else to say. If anyone wants to message me/comment/anything, please do because I know what it’s like to be plagued by insecurities, and though I can’t necessarily offer an answer, I can help support you. You can do this! Every one of us is beautiful, you just have to have the inner strength to see that. And that won’t happen overnight, but the journey is worth it.

Sending lots of love to you all!

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