Pregnant or Period?

 Hello again! 

Yet another blog for you! I wanted to give an update to my coming off the pill (it’s now been 3 months but I’m definitely still adjusting) and I’ve also got a story for you about how I absolutely convinced myself I was pregnant this month (spoiler alert, I wasn’t). This blog post will definitely involve TMI again, but let’s face it, you know what you’re in for with my blogs by now. The bottom line of this blog post is that the female body is both miraculous, horrific, amazing, disgusting, and very very complicated!

So, as I said, it’s now three months since I’ve come off the pill, and although the extreme symptoms have reduced (fire nips RIP), I am definitely still adjusting. Whether that is due to the “withdrawal” of the hormones (how dramatic) or me just learning what a natural body is like again, who knows! But it is definitely not just a one-month journey. 

So let’s start with the story, and then I’ll summarise some of the symptoms and issues I’ve experienced. As I mentioned in my last pill related blog post, I am tracking ovulation for a variety of reasons (not because we’re trying for a baby before anyone gets excited!). I ovulated as normal this month, on cycle day 18. Had all the normal ovulation symptoms, bloating, sore boobs, minor cramping, and a positive ovulation test to confirm it. Normally after I’ve ovulated, my symptoms then disappear until my period, when I get the usual period symptoms.

This did not happen this month. My boobs continued to get sorer (and to my dismay, fire nips returned!), my sense of smell changed, my bloating didn’t seem to go down, my body temperature seemed slightly higher than normal, and I felt really tired all the time. On top of that, my emotions were going CRAZY. I was crying at everything. More than normal and for absolutely no reason. So I’m sure you’ve worked out by now, but I convinced myself that I was pregnant. Not from the ovulation I had just had, I know it doesn’t happen that quickly! But I convinced myself that I got pregnant just before my last period (unlikely but not impossible!), and that I was now 5-6 weeks pregnant. This came to an absolute head when on Tuesday night, I was getting waves of nausea on top of the other symptoms (in hindsight, that will have been caused by the massive amount of Chinese food I had just scoffed).

I’d tried to put it to the back of my mind because I knew how unlikely it was, but by Tuesday I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I was chatting to a friend about it (who has also had pregnancy scares in the past) and how I’d been so paranoid and it was getting worse, and she suggested to just a do test, and that way I would know either way, and at least I’d have piece of mind. I was going to order a bunch of tests on Amazon using Anthony’s prime account, but I literally couldn’t wait – it was driving me mad. Cue a late-night trip to Sainsburys!

I’d told Anthony a few days ago about my concerns, so when I told him I was going to get a test, he was so supportive. He insisted on coming with me, he helped me choose the test. Plied me with water to help me pee (honestly never needed a wee less – I ended up doing star jumps to try and get my bladder going! So ridiculous). He was patient while he waited for me to be ready to take the test, and he set the timer for the 3-minute wait. He also wanted to be there when the result was ready, but when I told him that selfishly, I would like to find out alone and then tell him, he was so amazing and totally understood. 

Obviously, the test was negative – we both knew deep down but I needed the confirmation. That should have been it – the test was SO clearly negative, there was absolutely no doubt. And as I mentioned earlier, if I was pregnant, I would have been 5-6 weeks which means a test would definitely pick it up by then! However, the symptoms continued, and I was so lost as to what was causing them. Google didn’t help – Google was convinced I was pregnant. I’d even asked about long-term symptoms for coming off the pill – there was NOTHING on the internet that helped.

So the funny part of this story… turns out that my pregnancy symptoms were just PMS. I went to take another test on Friday morning, and was instead greeted with Mother Nature’s confirmation that I was definitely not pregnant! 

From the moment my period started, all the other symptoms disappeared. Obviously, I stayed bloated and emotional, but that now made sense. But the sore boobs disappeared, the nausea went – my “weird” symptoms were now just full-blown period symptoms. 

I wanted to write this post, as firstly, I know SO many women who have thought they were pregnant when they weren’t. I am learning currently more than ever to appreciate how complicated the female body is. It’s been so long since I had a proper period (10 years!) that I had genuinely forgotten what my PMS symptoms were. And I’d never noticed how similar ovulation, period, and pregnancy symptoms are!! It’s no wonder that women have no idea half the time if they’re coming or going!

I did a bit more digging on the internet once I knew I wasn’t pregnant, to try and work out what the symptoms I had between ovulation and period were. So the science actually suggests that once you ovulate, your progesterone remains at a set level (higher than normal) until you either have your period (then it drops to normal) or you’re pregnant (it increases, and you get your pregnancy symptoms). This explains why my boobs stayed sore, and my emotions were more unstable than usual. It doesn’t explain why this didn’t happen the previous 2 months, but I’m assuming that’s part of my body still adjusting! I don’t know whether this will be the case going forward, but at least I’ll be prepared this time and not spend a solid 2 weeks convinced I’m pregnant.

In terms of other symptoms/issues since coming off the pill, unfortunately I was not prepared for how bad my periods would be. I don’t want that to scare anyone who’s thinking about coming off, but I wish I’d been a bit more prepared. I had forgotten how bad my periods were as a teenager (very heavy and really bad cramps) – I think in my head I had put that down to the fact that I was a teenager with wild hormones, and that my periods got easier because I got older. But I think with hindsight, they actually got easier because I went on the pill (that was one of the reasons I went on it in the first place!). I’ve been absolutely useless this weekend, rendered pretty much incapacitated by my cramps – painkillers and hot water bottles being supplied on demand by my incredibly understanding husband! But unfortunately, they’re not really helping. We did manage to get out for a 7 mile walk today (had to stop for a chocolate cookie fix!), but I sat and cried in the shower for 10 minutes when we got back because the pain was so bad!

So my periods are hell, but I do feel very grateful that my reproductive system appears to be working exactly as it should. My first 2 cycles coming off the pill were 30 days, but this month was 28, which is what it should be. Obviously I know this is not confirmation that when I come to try for a baby it will work immediately, but I’m definitely assured by the fact that I seem to have a regular cycle (even if it is genuinely horrific for 4 days a month!)

That’s all I have for this post – the female body just absolutely blows my mind. We are very complicated creatures! I just wanted to share my “pregnancy scare” (I hate that term) in case it helps anyone else who’s worried currently – it’s probably just your normal cycle! But if you are concerned, get a test just so you at least have piece of mind. I’ve since ordered some cheap paper tests to keep in the cupboard, but now that I have a much better understanding of how my body works, hopefully they won’t be needed for a while.

That’s all for now, hopefully there will be another post coming soon!

Much love,

x

Lockdown

 What a year it has been. I’ve always intended for this blog post to document the significant events in my life, and quite frankly, I’m now going to count Lockdown as one of them. All through Lockdown 1.0, I debated about whether to write a blog post or not. I wanted to document it, so that I could look back on it, but the truth is – I actually liked Lockdown 1.0. It was sunny, Anthony was home all the time (we usually work opposite shifts), I was employed, and working from home really suited my lifestyle (who doesn’t want to be outside with a Pimms in hand literally 20 seconds after finishing work?!). I wanted to write about it, but I was so conscious of all the people in the country (in the world really!) who were struggling. And my thoughts absolutely went out to them. I was happy, but there was a constant dark cloud hanging over us, knowing what a lot of people were going through. The NHS workers who were not only working, but also having to work a million times harder over longer hours. The businesses that went bust, and consequently the people who lost their jobs. The victims now locked in a house with their abuser. Not to mention, the people who died from Covid, or the people who lost a loved one and could only say goodbye over Facetime. The last thing I wanted to do was be insensitive by posting about how happy I was, even though the intention was to bring positivity.

 

The period between Lockdown 1.0 and Lockdown 2.0 was even better. It was still sunny, Anthony was back at work (and as happy as we were, we were actually really glad to get some time to be independent!) and we could see family. Not to mention the half price meals! Things seemed to be getting better – social media was a lot more positive; people were getting some semblance of normality in their lives again. Stevenage also had one of the lowest R rates in the country, so I felt fairly safe leaving the house.

 

Then came the dreaded Government Press Conference. We were going back into Lockdown. Lockdown 2.0. Supposedly, only a month, but who knows. We were prepared for the announcement, but we weren’t prepared for how different this one would feel. Everyone I’ve spoken to has felt the same – there’s just a relentless sense of deflation and despair. Personally, again, I have been exceptionally lucky in my personal circumstances. But I am just so sad for so many people. More people losing their jobs. More people locked in their house in an unhappy/unsafe situation. More people catching the virus and getting seriously ill. Mental health is a such a massive and important thing – I consider myself to have extremely resilient mental health, but even I’ve felt low this time around. If you are struggling, my thoughts are absolutely with you, and please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. If you don’t feel you can speak to family or friends, then look into which organisations can help you. Mind and Samaritans are the two that pop straight to mind – there is always someone who will listen.

 

I don’t want this post to be doom and gloom, but I just wanted to put it out there that you are not alone if you’re feeling down. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed or afraid to reach out for help – we are all just doing what we can to get by. The change in season I’ve personally found to be a massive contributing factor to this time around feeling harder. And unfortunately, there is not much we can do about that! So just make sure you take the time to do the things that help to make you feel good – whatever that is! For me, I’ve found a lot of joy from watching Gogglebox (there are loads of episodes on All 4). Some days I’ve baked. Most days I have cooked something I love (normally pasta, and normally with a gin/wine/prosecco on the go – sometimes all three!) I speak to friends and family a lot, but some days the thought of speaking to anyone fills me with dread because I just can’t be bothered. I’ve been fairly active – been for a few walks, and danced a lot! But some days I don’t even get dressed, and the most moving I’ll do is from the bed to the sofa. Maybe downstairs to pick up the takeaway that’s been delivered because I can’t face cooking. Some days, I watch the saddest show in the world and don’t even shed a tear. Other days, I’m sobbing because my favourite pjs are in the wash. It varies day to day, and that’s absolutely fine.

 

Who knows what is going to happen over the next few days/weeks/months. There was news today about a vaccine being close, so that’s positive! But honestly, I’ve found the best way to get through is to not get my hopes up about anything long term, and just focus on the day to day. Allow yourself to be emotional, but try not to let it consume you. There’s no point worrying about what might/might not happen (but don’t worry if you can’t help but be anxious about it – it’s a very unsettling time and your feelings are totally valid!).

 

I hope you’re all ok – it’s a very weird time, so don’t be too hard on yourself! We are all in this together.

 

Until next time!

 

X

 

Coming off the pill... is it as bad as everyone says?

 Hi all, and welcome back!

 

I really enjoyed writing my last post, and I’m trying to keep up with this blogging malarkey. However my life is not very interesting at the moment, and I’m scrabbling for things to talk about! I’ve recently come off the pill, and thought it would be good to document my experience. In the weeks leading up to my decision to come off, I scoured the internet for what to expect; would I be a hormonal monster, how would my body change, how is it going to affect me? I was shocked at the absolute lack of conversation about it, so I thought I’d pop my thoughts and feelings into a post in the hope that it helps anyone! (Also full disclosure that this blog post will definitely have moments of WAY too much information, but it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that a blog post about the pill involves talk about periods, contraception, and an array of other female problems!)

 

Before we get any further, let me get one thing perfectly straight – WE ARE NOT TRYING FOR A BABY. I will discuss my reasons for coming off the pill later, but I already know that as soon as this is out there, everyone is going to start preparing for the imminent pregnancy announcement – keep waiting! It is not going to happen any time soon!

So now that we have addressed the elephant in the room, let’s get into my experiences with the pill. Just want to add a little disclaimer – this is all my personal experience, but if there is one thing I have learned from my research, it’s that every single woman reacts to the pill differently! So, what I am writing is not necessarily what other people experience, it’s just my personal account. So without further ado, lets get to it!

 

I went on the pill when I was 17. Contraception was a part of the decision, but not the sole reason. I was getting really heavy, really painful periods, and mum suggested this would potentially help relieve them a bit. I also had typical teenage skin – I wouldn’t say I ever had acne, but I definitely went through a very spotty phase. I was also in a new relationship, which also happened to be my first relationship (who would have guessed that my first relationship would eventually become a marriage!). I think both myself and mum knew that although it was very early days, I was 17, so we were going to have to have that awkward safe sex conversation soon… thankfully it was very brief,  and we decided that it would just be a good idea for me to go on the pill as a precaution, despite the fact I wasn’t having sex yet. And for a teenage prude who felt very embarrassed at the prospect of telling a doctor that I wanted the pill for contraception, I was grateful that I had heavy periods and bad skin to use as an excuse!

So that was that – I went to the doctors and got the pill. I’d heard so many horror stories, about the awful weight gain, hideous mood swings, sore boobs, migraines… it was pretty scary! However, either I was one of the lucky ones or all those stories are just scaremongering. Don’t get me wrong, my boobs got sore because they grew drastically, and mum can attest to the fact that I was an absolute monster for a few weeks while my body adjusted to the hormones, but I always got really bad PMS anyway so she was pretty used to it! Other than that, I didn’t really get any long-term symptoms. I’m still not sure how the pill affected my weight, as I was already losing weight anyway through a very strict diet. I continued to lose weight the entire first year I was on the pill – at my one-year check-up, I was 11lbs lighter which stunned me! But it wasn’t accidental weight loss, so I don’t know how much impact the pill had on my weight.

 

In terms of which pill I went on - I was initially on Mycrogynon, but they switched that to Rigevidon after a couple of years because Mycrogynon was apparently too expensive to prescribe. However, I didn’t get on with Rigevidon (despite the fact that it’s basically the same!) so they then switched me to Levest. I had no issues with that brand and stayed on it for the remaining 8 or so years! (Also, going to add a shout out to the NHS here – how amazing is it that I have been taking a medication for 10 years, and have never had to pay a penny for it! SO grateful for our amazing health service!)

I don’t have much to report for the duration I was on the pill – I was really good at taking it, as it just became routine in that it was the first thing I did in the morning; in the 10 years I was on it, I think I only missed about 6 pills! My period was like clockwork – not only could I pinpoint the day that I was going to start, but also the hour, which is just mad! I was also very conscious of what could prevent the pill working i.e. vomiting, diarrhoea, skipping pills, etc. so I always made sure we were still safe. I know it doesn’t work for a lot of people, but it definitely worked for me, and not once did I have a legitimate pregnancy scare (the “scares” I did have were just be being uber paranoid about my period being one day late – ridiculous).

 

So why have I come off if we’re not trying for a baby? There are a few reasons, but predominantly, it was because I’d been on it for so long. Although my nurse wasn’t concerned and was willing to prescribe me another year’s worth of the pill, I was conscious that 10 years is a long time! And we all know that despite the fact we’re not trying now, and I’m perfectly happy with our family being just the two of us at the moment, I definitely want to be a mum in the future. So I decided that it was time to let my body get back to normal. I always used to hear that “for every year you’re on the pill, it can take a month coming off before you’re fertile”. I have no idea how much truth is in that – I know people who have fallen pregnant straight after coming off, and some people who have struggled for years! But I thought it was sensible to take it as a rough rule of thumb, and though we’re not trying now, I don’t want us to decide we’re ready and then have to wait 10 months for my body to become fertile.

 

My experience coming off the pill was surprisingly positive. I mentioned earlier that when I went on the pill, my hormones went WILD and I was extremely moody and snappy for weeks. So I had forewarned Anthony that he may need to go and live somewhere else while I adjusted! However, moodwise, I don’t think anything really changed, which was a very pleasant surprise!

I mentioned earlier that I wasn’t sure if going on the pill made me gain or lose weight, because I was actively trying to lose weight anyway… well I’m still not really sure, but I think perhaps it did predispose me to gaining weight. I haven’t lost weight coming off it, in fact I have gained! But coming off the pill also coincided with me getting an ankle injury which put me out of action for 2 weeks (and I normally work out 6 times a week, for a minimum of an hour). My diet remained the same most days, but there were also definitely more binge days than normal because I was feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that although I have gained weight, it isn’t nearly as drastic as I expected it would be. Is it because of the pill? Who knows, but it’s one of the only factors that changed within that time!

I was also shocked at how quickly my body adjusted back into a normal cycle. For anyone who isn’t aware (I wasn’t, even when I was on the pill!), the combined pill works in three ways; by preventing ovulation, by thickening your mucus in the neck of the womb (gross I know) and by thinning your uterine lining. You technically don’t have periods, you have “withdrawal bleeds”. When I discovered that, it only increased my panic about when I would be fertile again – if I hadn’t ovulated for 10 years, then how would my body ever remember what to do?! However, I was STUNNED that I ovulated pretty much bang on schedule (based on the dates of my last “period”), and my first actual period in 10 years was only 2 days late (based on my ovulation date). Not sure if that is a fluke, as this month I was due to ovulate yesterday and haven’t yet, but my body is still adjusting, so I’m not at all concerned.

Small note in here to explain why I am tracking ovulation – we are partly doing it as a form of contraception, so that we know to take other precautions when I’m more fertile. But predominantly, it is for my peace of mind – although we aren’t trying for a baby now (going to need to start a swear jar for that sentence…), it is really reassuring for me to know whether my body is working as it should or not. It just means that when we do decide to try, I can either relax in the knowledge that my body works as it should, or I know that we may need to speak to a doctor about any issues with my cycle.

 

So far so good, right? Unsurprisingly, I did experience some negative symptoms. My period lulled me into a false sense of security by being really light for the first 3 days, but was then very heavy – it’s the first time in 10 years that I’ve had to get up in the night because otherwise I would have leaked. My boobs also deflated, and what I would consider the worst symptom (which absolutely no articles mentioned!) is what I am calling “fire nips”. I won’t go into too much detail, but from about day 5 after coming off, through until the end of my period, if anything brushed against my nipples, it honestly felt like a bolt of lightning through my body. Even my own arm brushing against them in the night, or in the shower, or literally any time; it honestly felt like they were on fire! They were so sensitive; it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It’s possibly the only time in my life that I enjoyed wearing a bra!

 

Thankfully, all symptoms (not that I had many!) have now settled, and I don’t actually feel any different than I did when I was on the pill. I’m really glad that I chose to come off when I did, as actually it felt like a very smooth transition, and it felt like the right stage in my life. Being in this weird “lockdown but not locked down” situation also gave me more flexibility than perhaps I might have had, which I am grateful for.

 

That is all for now, I hope I didn’t gross you out too much! Hopefully, I’ll post another blog in a couple of weeks. Any requested topics, let me know.

 

Much love!

 

X

Reminiscing on being a young bride

 Welcome back! It's been a very long time since I've posted...

I wanted to start this blog post by reaching out to couples who are currently engaged, and having issues actually tying the knot due to the global pandemic we've found ourselves in! My thoughts are with all of you; wedding planning was stressful enough, I can't imagine not only having to change your date but also not even knowing whether your wedding 2.0 will be going ahead either. It's a totally shit time we find ourselves in and I really do send my sympathies to you.

While we're on the subject of the pandemic, I thought I'd update you all on how we've been. Anthony works in theatre, so although he is now back at work (helping with the leisure centre part of the business) and we are SO grateful for that, it is still heartbreaking watching the theatre industry crumble before our eyes. On a more positive note, the lockdown gave us such an incredible opportunity to spend quality time together. Due to Anthony's theatre schedule, he often worked evenings and weekends, and I work Monday-Friday 8-5, so more often than not, we were passing ships. But through lockdown, we had every weekend off together, and every evening! We started getting creative with date nights, with the most "extra" ones being "fine dining", "Italian" and "Beach". If my wedding dress was here, and not at my mums, I am 100% sure that would have been one of the other ones! 

So, enough about lockdown, lets get to the point of this blog. It's now been over 2 and a half years that we've been married, and I feel like that is a healthy amount of time that I can look back with hindsight and decide whether everyone was right when they said I was "too young to get married".

When we got engaged, it was a week before my 23rd birthday, and I had just turned 24 when we got married. Now I know I was by no means a teenage bride, and a lot of people get married younger! But one of the comments I got the most while I was engaged was "you're still young, you don't need to rush into marriage". 

So how do I feel about this 2 and a half years later? Was I wrong? Was I too young?

In a word - NO! We got married at the exact time I wanted to! When we were both at uni, we put together a "life timeline", of what age we wanted to be when the significant milestones in our life took place. I can't remember the exacts, but I'm pretty sure it went something like the below:

22 - engaged

23 - married

25 - first baby arrives

Now we've definitely missed the first baby milestone as we're both now 26 and not even trying... but in our defence, we put this together when we were young and naïve and didn't think about things like MONEY! (Spoiler alert - buying a house costs a lot of money. Getting married costs a lot of money. Just LIVING!! costs a lot of money. And currently, we can't afford a baby in the way we would like to, so that's on the back burner for now.)

This brings me to the second reason I'm glad we got married young. We are not feeling the pressure to hurry up and have a baby! If we had waited until mid-late 20s to get married (as most people suggested we should), I can guarantee that right now my biological clock would be ticking very loudly in my ears! We've loved the last two years of married "bliss" (sometimes more blissful than others!) and I'm so glad that generally speaking, we haven't felt like we need to rush our time alone and start a family right away after marriage. I know it could be argued that we still would have had that time in the years before marriage, but marriage is different. Not much changes, but I genuinely feel like your feelings for your partner do change; they deepen. Don't get me wrong, the honeymoon period has worn off, but I still find myself every so often looking at Anthony and just thinking "how did I bag him as my husband? How did I get so lucky?" (he absolutely hates this - the amount of time he turns around and I'm staring at him! It freaks him right out). So I will forever be grateful that we've had the opportunity to be husband and wife, and really enjoy it, before the stress of becoming parents begins.

One of the only negatives that I could find to being a "young bride" is confidence. My journey with self-confidence has been a rocky one, but no matter how much my confidence has peaked and troughed, one thing that remains apparent to me is that confidence increases with age. If I was getting married now (pandemic aside), I would be THRIVING as a bride! When I was engaged, I reveled in it behind closed doors, but I was very conscious about it in front of people. I still spoke about it left right and centre, but things like wedding dress shopping, my hen do's (yes, do's - plural! I may have been lacking confidence but I still milked it for all it was worth!) and even the morning of the wedding, I was still holding back. Now, it would be a whole new story! And I do get a slight pang of jealousy when friends of mine get engaged now, because I know how different their experience will be from mine.

However, overall, it was amazing. We had the best day, and I have no regrets about getting married at 24! February will be our 3rd wedding anniversary, but it will also be 10 years that we've been together, so we were going to throw an anniversary party and that was going to be my chance to revel in that "bridal" feeling again (even though I'm well aware that I wasn't going to be a bride!). However, Covid has definitely burst that bubble and I think we'll be having another one of our little themed date nights instead - maybe that's the one where I can whack the wedding dress out again!

Thank you all for reading, I will try and find more to write about! I love writing these, but particularly while we're all basically locked in our homes, there is really not much exciting going on... but if anyone has any topics they'd like to see a post on, then let me know!

Much love!

x

 

So how is married life?

Hey guys, it's been a while! I've wanted to write a blog post for ages but I just haven't had enough to write about to make an articulate post. But I've missed it, so decided to give it a go! This is going to be a bit of a reflection on whether married life meets my expectations, and what I consider marriage to be.

"So how is married life?" - this is probably the question I've had most since the wedding day, and please don't get me wrong - it is exactly the question that I would ask a newly married couple! This was also the question that I anticipated being asked the most, so it was something that concerned me as a fiancée - what if married life isn't good? How do I answer? What if all those people who told me I was too young to be married were right?

I've mentioned in several previous blogs about how much it annoyed me, being told that I was too young to be married. Insecurity is something that has plagued me for a long time, and as a fiancée I felt the happiest and most comfortable in my own skin that I had been for a long time. But something was still bothering me, and deep down I was concerned that I wasn't ready! I knew that marriage was everything that I had ever wanted, but something just felt off. In hindsight, I now realise that because so many people had told me I was too young, I felt like I didn't deserve to be a bride. I fully embraced the wedding planning and everything that myself and Anthony did as an engaged couple, but I didn't feel like a bride when I wasn't with Anthony. Wedding dress shopping, I felt like I was pretending; my hen-do's (yes plural! Again, I think it was part of the insecurity) were incredible, but I felt like it was just a really great night out, not a celebration for me. Even the morning of the wedding, it didn't feel real. It was only when I was stood in that church with Anthony, saying our vows, that I knew in my soul that this is what I should have done years ago. 

From that moment on, I felt like a wife and embraced every aspect of it. Yes, the terminology and the name change took some getting used to, but emotionally I felt so fulfilled. The last (almost) 9 months have been the best of my life, so when people ask me "how is married life?", why do I hesitate? I've given it some thought and listed the reasons below:

1. Insecurity. As mentioned previously, I don't feel like I deserve the life I have. I've been so incredibly lucky to have found Anthony, and to have found him so young! I thank my lucky stars every day, and have to pinch myself on a regular occurrence. When people ask how my life is, I have to stop and think, because my default answer is negative. 
2. Modesty. I feel like I'm bragging when I say how good married life is, and that makes me uncomfortable. Even saying this makes me uncomfortable, because I feel big-headed saying that I'm modest! It's a vicious circle, and it's just easier to downplay it and not make anyone uncomfortable. 
3. Life fluctuates. Most of the time, we are SO happy. We never argue, and we seem to strike a perfect balance of spending time together, and spending time apart. But we're not perfect! Some days, I'm a complete moody bitch. Some days, Anthony just wants space when I just want cuddles. Some days (most days!), at least one of us is hangry! Some days, we will simply do something that will piss the other one off. And if it is on a day like this that you get asked how married life is, it's really hard to answer. You know married life is good, but you have resentful feelings towards the other. But you don't want to tell anyone about this because you're the only person allowed to moan about them! It's like when you go to school as a kid and spend all day moaning about your sibling, but then when someone else says anything negative about them, you feel a fury rising. As pissed off as you are in that moment, you can't bring yourself to say anything negative about your marriage. But it certainly causes a delay in answering!
4. Expectations. Everyone tells you that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Everyone, without fail. So, I prepared for the worst! I'm no marriage expert, but at this point right now, let me express to anyone reading this that no one knows what your marriage will be like more than you do. I couldn't see Anthony and I falling apart, but I listened to everyone telling me how hard it is and I was scared. Really scared. So I prepared to do everything and anything I could to save our marriage. How ridiculous that I was stressing about all this before our marriage even started! 

I firmly believe that marriage is what you make of it, and will also be influenced by what you've been through as a couple prior to your wedding. Anthony and I did 3 years long distance, which is enough in itself to test any relationship. We were at breaking point when we moved in together, and he was working 14 hour days while I was unemployed. We then struggled again while I was desperately unhappy in my job at the theatre. There have been mental health battles, physical battles, and finding time for each other has always been a constant battle, which is thankfully getting easier! But we've got through so much together. This year has been a relatively uneventful one which obviously helps, but marriage hasn't been hard at all! It's actually been one of the easiest years of our lives! 

So, to answer the question; married life is AMAZING! It's been so incredible, and I feel like it's completed a part of me that I didn't even know I was missing. I was right all along; I was SO ready to be married. To people reading, don't let other people influence your feelings. You know deep down what you want and need, and go with that. I regret not embracing being a bride, because I will never get that experience again. But I LOVE being a wife! Not much in our life has changed since being married, but it feels so different. I've said it before, but it's almost 9 months in and I still look forward to coming home to see my husband. He is the best person in the world, and he has always completed me, but now that we are officially a family and we share a name, I truly feel like myself. 

To conclude; I'm the happiest I've ever been, married life is incredible, and don't let other people's expectations confirm your life before you've given yourself the chance. And I'm going to make a conscious effort to answer the "how is married life?" question much quicker and much more honestly! 

Much love! 

x

No longer a Bride...

Hello! Before I go any further, I want to document on this blog series the most exciting event since my last post - my cousin Amy (maid of honour, best friend etc.) had her baby! And Baby Grace is the most precious little gem, she is absolutely perfect and I am so in love with her. And so proud of Amy! I'm sure anyone who has seen me in person in the last week will be well aware of this as she's all I've talked about, but she is so important to me and I am already counting down the days until I can go back for a cuddle!

Anyway, got a bit side-tracked (but isn't she beautiful!!). It's been almost three months since we got married and it's given me time to settle in to married life and reflect on the differences/similarities between my life now and my life before we got married. Particularly focusing on the time we were engaged. I feel like I never really fully appreciated being a bride; I think that's one of the things about getting married so young, it doesn't feel real. Maybe that's a generic thing, but I think for me, age was one of the things that held me back, particularly as people always seemed to think it was appropriate to tell me I was too young to get married! (Even people I'd never spoken to before!). I've never had any doubts about getting married at the time we did; I don't think age matters, it's more about the time you've spent together and emotional maturity. We were 100% ready to get married when we did and I wouldn't have changed it for a thing. 

So on with the post; I'm going to list the things that I miss most about being a bride, and then the things that I love the most about being married. So, bridal things that I miss...

1. Dress fittings. I LOVED all my dress fittings! I almost drive past my dress shop on my way to work, and every time, I want to make the turn into the road!  The wedding dress shopping experience in The Wedding Gallery was amazing, as was the bridesmaid dress shopping and I just absolutely loved it there! And it only very recently hit me that I will never go wedding dress shopping for myself again, and I actually found that really upsetting. It's so superficial but putting those dresses on - even with it feeling super surreal! - was so much fun and made me feel so good. And even though the occasions to wear nice dresses will keep coming (other people's weddings, Christenings, parties etc.), I will never ever wear such a special dress again. Anthony will definitely come home one day and catch me just chilling on the sofa in my dress, drinking gin. I'm not even ashamed haha. 
2. The countdown. As stressful and upsetting as the countdown could be, it was so nice being able to get so excited about the day getting closer. We've currently got a countdown going for our honeymoon (22 days!) but after that, we don't have many fixed events coming up. Please don't think I'm not excited for our future because I definitely am! We've got some really exciting plans coming up, but as they don't have a fixed date, there is no countdown and I find it harder to throw myself into the excitement and the planning. And on that note...
3. The planning! I LOVED planning the wedding! And I loved how much of a partnership we were; it's such a common thing for the groom to take a backseat but Anthony was so involved in it! It was such a special experience planning together, and I do genuinely miss it. I considered it as a career move, but currently we're too close to our wedding and I'm still bathing in the glow from that, so can't be dealing with the stress of planning a strangers wedding right now. 
4. The venue. I mean, I think I've spoken enough about this throughout the blog posts. Milton Hill House, amazing, the end. I can't wait to go back for any occasion!
5.  The word fiancé! Again, as part of the whole experience not feeling real, I didn't call Anthony my fiancé nearly enough. It was the same when we first got together - I think it took about a year before I stopped describing him as my "friend" and started saying "boyfriend!" So I have not made that mistake again, I am name-dropping "husband" left, right and centre. But husband makes us sound so old! Haha, fiancé is much more young and fun and I wish I'd owned that more. 

So that all seems doom and gloom, but I promise it's not all negatives! Here's the things that I love most about being a wife:

1. My name. Whenever I write/say my full name now, I feel so proud. It took a while to adjust to, but that's not surprising considering I'd been Miss Gaunt for 24 years, and in seconds it changed to Mrs Holmes! But if I have to give my name, it constantly reminds me that I married the man of my dreams and we share everything now (except ice cream - there are specific rules for that!) 
2. The rings. I am SO in love with my wedding ring - I didn't think I could love my engagement ring any more than I did, but once it is paired with my wedding ring, the combination is just stunning!! But on a deeper level, I do most things with my hands, which means I am constantly catching glimpses of my rings. Again, this serves as a reminder that I am married (it's sounding a lot like I have memory issues at this point!). It's the same whenever I catch sight of Anthony's ring too, it gives me a feeling that I can't describe, but it's something like happiness, gratitude, shock, overwhelming love, and it's just a rush of adrenaline. I love him, and seeing his ring and knowing that he's married to me is amazing. 
   
3. Security. Let me clarify right now, I never thought that Anthony would leave me. And by security, I don't mean that I've trapped him. I feel like there was always a deep insecurity in me, that I thought that one day Anthony would realise that he could do better, and would eventually leave me. But knowing that he has committed to marry me, he must feel the same way about me as I feel about him. Seeing his face at the end of the aisle left me with no doubt; he loves me, and I will never stop feeling incredibly lucky that I ended up with such a beautiful person. 
4. Knowing my future. This sounds like an odd one, because obviously no one knows their future. But I do know that whatever my future holds, Anthony will be there. I've always known that I wanted marriage and children, and for the last 7 years, Anthony has filled the vision of husband and father, but it's never been certain. But now it is; he is already my husband and we know that we want to start a family in the future. I cannot wait to grow as a wife with him, become a parent with him, and grow old with him. 
5. Anthony. Ok, this sounds like a super mushy one but hear me out. As much as I feel security, I'm sure he does too, which means he could easily have dropped his standards as it's a lot harder for me to break up with him now! But he continues to go above and beyond in our relationship; he's so caring, so fun, so loving and is still so perfect. Anthony is the only thing that runs through every single one of the reasons I enjoy being a wife. I love doing "wifely" things, but I don't do them because they're expected of me - Anthony doesn't expect anything from me as a wife other than love and partnership! But I love cooking him dinner, I love looking after him, and I love coming home from work knowing that I'm going to see my husband. 

People ask me how married life is, and I tend to give them all the same answer. Literally nothing has changed in terms of our day to day life, but it feels so different (in a good way!). I keep waiting for this first year struggle that people talk about, but we're almost a quarter of the way through our first year as Mr and Mrs Holmes and I've not felt that yet; to be honest, I don't think we will! But even if we do, I have every faith in our ability to deal with it. He makes me the best version of myself and I'm so beyond happy. 

Who knows what/when the next post will be but I'm sure there will be one, so bear with and it'll be here soon!

x

Two Months Married! Life Update and Vendor Information

When people say that time goes quickly once you're married, they're not lying. I can't believe it's been two months already! It's been a while since I wrote a blog post, so thought that I would put an update out there. I also realised that there isn't anywhere that I have specifically mentioned vendors, so thought that I'd also include that in this blog.

So how is life as a two-month wife? Pretty good is the answer! We've been waiting for this struggle that everyone talks about happening - that "the first year is the hardest" thing, but it just hasn't happened. Of course we've had moments - whether it be exhaustion, work stress, PMS, there have been moments where we've snapped at each other, but we did that occasionally before we were married! But we're definitely both feeling the overwhelming love; whenever people ask how married life is, I tell them that in actuality, nothing has changed, but it feels so different! In a good way, I just feel so much more positive all the time and almost anything will remind me of Anthony. Giddy is probably the word I'd use! 

In terms of life, it's pretty much same old. Both still working full time, both busy outside of work too; Anthony has thrown himself into projects for our flat, and I'm just waiting for my cousin's baby to arrive and then I'm planning to spend any and all free time I have with her - I can't wait to meet little one and watch Amy flourish as a mum! (Good luck Amy, you'll be so sick of me!). We've also pretty much booked our honeymoon but still planning what we're going to do when we're there, how we're getting to and from the airport etc. We're both very excited - only 39 days to go now! 

We've surprisingly not actually had that many questions about when we're planning to have babies! Which is very uncommon for a newlywed couple; I think it must be partly because we're still so young. But to address any queries, we are planning a family, but in the future! We're planning to live relatively selfishly as a couple over the next few years - we want to buy a house, go back to Florida, and spend some time focused on each other; we don't currently have the space, money or time for a baby. But we're so excited for baby Addison to arrive; I'm hoping that little one will satisfy the broodiness in me, but it may well go the other way! 

I don't feel that there is much else to say about married life currently - as I said earlier, nothing has changed but it feels different. We're both loving it and are very happy! So for the rest of this blog, I've decided to make a list of the vendors that we used for the wedding, some of which I've already spoken about but others that I haven't and they deserve some recognition. So without further ado, the list is below:

VENUE - I know I've talked about our venue a lot in other blogs, so I'll keep this brief. It was Milton Hill House, a beautiful hotel on the edge of Didcot (Anthony's hometown). It was only 10 minutes from our church, and was absolutely perfect. I've also spoken a lot about Fiona, who again, was phenomenal. I cannot recommend Milton Hill highly enough, and would not hesitate to book another event there. 

DRESS - my dress and the bridesmaid dresses came from The Wedding Gallery in St Albans. That shop has so many beautiful dresses, but the service was better than anything I've experienced. A lot of people don't consider how invasive it can feel when you get into a changing room with a stranger, have to strip down to your underwear and squeeze into dresses. I was so conscious of if I got even slightly sweaty, or if any fat rolls were on show, and I know that the dressers didn't care, but I did! But Alice was different to the other shops - she left me fully clothed in the changing room with the dress, and only came in to help me into it if I asked her to. She was very respectful about my insecurities, picking dresses that she thought would make me most comfortable. She was also very complimentary, but also very honest! And on top of all of that, she was very professional whilst we were trying to pick bridesmaid dresses; we'd told her that Amy was trying for a baby so would hopefully be pregnant when we bought the bridesmaid dresses, and she didn't assume either way when we went back (Amy was pregnant but not obviously showing). She was also very respectful of Amy's concerns with a maternity dress while she was still in very early stages of pregnancy, which is obviously a worrisome time. Overall, she was just lovely and I'm very glad that she was a part of my wedding story. And obviously my dress is lovely too! 

SUITS - Anthony's and the groomsmen's suits were all from Moss Bros. Obviously I wasn't there for many of the fittings they had, but I was there when Anthony got his shoes and shirts, and the service was amazing! I also know that they were very accommodating with the fact that some party members wanted to hire and some wanted to buy, so they found perfect matches for both. They all looked so smart and so handsome, and it was worth every penny we spent there! 

PHOTOGRAPHER - this one is a tricky one. Julia Evans Photography was the vendor that we hired, and we paid for both photographers (they are a husband and wife team). However, we never met Julia, and we were told 4 days before the wedding that she wouldn't be there and someone else would be stepping in (apparently she'd had Carpel Tunnel issues since Christmas, but for some reason they couldn't tell us before early Feb... equally when I called them and Julia answered, she didn't seem to know she was meant to be there on our day. I definitely think they double booked) . They were almost impossible to get hold of (there are still four emails that haven't been responded to), and they actually made the period before and after the wedding far more stressful than it needed to be. I will happily admit that our photos are beautiful, but I would definitely advise against booking them. However, Carol Elizabeth Photography (the woman who stepped in) was amazing!

FLOWERS - our florist was Bloomin Chic, a small independent boutique on Iffley Road in Oxford. Though they weren't always amazing at responding to emails, they were always very apologetic and explained what the delay was caused by. And the flowers on the day were just phenomenal - so much better than I ever could have imagined; they even incorporated the hidden Mickey that I asked for! I wasn't really bothered by flowers at all when we started planning the wedding, but they ended up being one of my highlights of the day! 

CAKE - our cake was made by my super talented mother-in-law. She went so above and beyond, and made us a full trial cake prior to the wedding too (I think the happiest person about that was father-in-law, who must have been eating cake for every meal for a week!). The cake on the day looked incredible, tasted incredible and even though she made the equivalent of two full three-tiered wedding cakes (an extra one for the evening as we cut and served the proper one in the drinks reception), it was still all eaten! And if anyone wants any lemon, raspberry or chocolate icing, there is a tonne of each in Kate's freezer so let me know! 

TRANSPORT - we initially booked a 1966 London Routemaster double-decker bus and a 1978 London Taxi FX4 from Nostalgia Travel. They were really good at dealing with our enquiries and we booked very quickly. Unfortunately, 4 days before the wedding (same day as the photographer debarcle!), we got a call from them to say that due to the extreme weather conditions (lots of snow!), the taxi was not safe to drive on our wedding day. They were so apologetic and accommodating, offering us a 1955 Bentley R Type instead (almost double the cost!) or a full refund if that was unsuitable. The Bentley was lovely, but we desperately wanted a London Taxi! I had sent a crisis message to my Bridal Party WhatsApp group who were all incredible and jumped right onto the case, and in the end my mum managed to find a London Taxi from London Oxford Taxis. They were amazing; considering that we booked them with 4 days notice, they knocked off the travel charge and went out of their way to get ivory ribbons rather than white! They could clearly sense a bride-in-distress and went out of their way to help us. 

DJ - we booked Visually Sound Events as our DJ as he was recommended by the venue, but this was not what sold us in the end. I'd made it clear from my first enquiry that I wasn't sure that we even wanted a DJ, and he didn't put any pressure on at all. When we finally decided to get a DJ, I told him he was slightly out of my price range and he instantly knocked off a load of money! He also asked for a list of do-plays and don't-plays, but quite frankly, we didn't need to give any. The music that he played was phenomenal - the dance floor was full literally all night! I'd book him again in a heartbeat. 

RINGS - we got our rings (including my engagement ring) from Newey's, a store in Birmingham's jewellery quarter. Everything about it was amazing, and I would say that it's one of the only parts of the wedding hype that hasn't died down; every time I catch sight of my rings I can't help but stare at them! 

HAIR AND MAKE-UP - my incredibly talented sister, Melissa Hair and Make-Up did all the beauty stuff for me, the Bridesmaids and my Mum. Obviously I'm biased, but she genuinely was amazing. Before the day, she let me run with my ideas and told me which ones she didn't think would work, she then adapted them to create the perfect look for me! She also kept me calm all morning, she tweaked any parts of my look that I didn't like, and was just perfect! 

STATIONARY - we did all of the stationary things ourselves! Apart from thank you cards, they were from Optimal Prints. But we designed and printed our own save the dates, made our own invitations and did our own Tasting Guides for our favours (which we also made ourselves)! As much as I would definitely recommend making your own stuff where you can, it's worth considering the time it takes - it was so time consuming! 

That's all I've got for now, but I've also decided to upload some of the wedding pictures to an album on my facebook page; there are so many beautiful pictures of people in the drinks reception/evening/any time of the day! It seems a shame that they're sat on my laptop but no one has seen them. So watch this space! 

I don't know what the next post will be about, but I'm sure there will be one at some point!