Surviving Long Distance

Hey guys! So in terms of wedding, there is very little to report – we have chosen a photographer and are in the process of booking, and in the next week or two (probably month) we will have sent out our save the dates, but for now it’s mainly research for things rather than booking. As a result of that, I have very little to write about with regards to the wedding, so I thought that as this blog is about me becoming Mrs Holmes, I’d give you another insight into our past.

As most people will know, we got through three years of long distance while we were at university. Before I go any further, this blog is not at all an advice article on how to survive long distance, because there is no answer – you just have to find what works for you. I am also so aware that although I would definitely count us as long distance, I know that so many couples have it so much worse – we had over 200 miles between us, but at the end of the day, it was just one train, 3 hours and with luck, about £40 and we were together again. Some couples have to cross oceans, get up at ungodly hours to speak to their partner in a different time zone, and spend an insane amount of money on flights. I'm not expecting sympathy in this blog, and equally I want to stress that I am not writing this to advise people on how to maintain a long distance relationship; I'm just giving an honest account on what was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been a part of.

So before we went to uni, we had already been together for over a year and a half, so we had a really strong foundation to build on. We also kept each other in mind while looking at universities, but agreed from the start that we would not hold each other back from going to a university far away. We knew that Anthony was going into theatre, and so it was highly probable that he would end up in London, though he did also look at Old Vic (Bristol) and LIPA (Liverpool). I was much harder to pinpoint - you can study psychology at pretty much every university in this country! Some universities I preferred purely because of their close proximity to London, such as Brunel. Others I looked at because they were highly rated. Ironically, I only went to look at York to shut Mum up – she loved the city and was determined I should go to uni there! But the second I set foot there, I knew that was it – I was gonna work my butt off to get the grades and go to the city that I instantly felt most at home. Anthony was always so supportive of how much I wanted to go there, even though we knew it would make our relationship so much harder because of the distance. And fortunately for us, we both got into our dream universities! Though it meant that we had a pretty sizeable distance between us, I think it helped us that we were both so happy where we were.

So September hit, and Anthony was off to uni. We’d made the agreement before we left that we wouldn’t see each other within our first two weeks of arriving at uni. We thought that would actually be pretty tough but I think anyone who’s experienced Fresher’s can appreciate just how much is going on in that week. You’re getting involved in all sorts of activities, and making friends with complete strangers that you now live with, learning how to cook/balance bills/budget, missing home, and of course I missed Anthony, but with all that was going on, it wasn’t too overwhelming. Though Anthony didn’t really have a Fresher’s week, he was so busy with work at RADA that I feel fairly confident in saying that he felt the same way. When the two weeks had passed and I went to visit him, it was so nice to see his new life, and I felt like a part of it straight away. Then, before I knew it, I’d been at uni for two weeks and he was up visiting me in York. I was lucky enough that he got on like a house on fire with my flatmates, and was happy to let me lead him around my new hometown, and share my experiences so far with him.

Then the reality of uni hit. You’re not going out as much anymore, you’re actually having to do some work, you’re starting to really miss home, and it's just not as exciting as it was. Don’t get me wrong, I loved uni (particularly first year!) but I think it was really starting to hit home what we’d got ourselves into, and how hard it was going to be. And the two weeks that initially flew by, began to seem like they were travelling at a snail pace. I had incredible friends to keep me going but the pain didn’t get much easier.

There aren’t really any words to describe the elation when we got to see each other after a few weeks apart. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and though I don’t necessarily agree (we’re just as fond of each other when we live together as when we saw each other after a few weeks), I do agree that the time you spend together when you’re long distance, is much better quality. You just can't stop making plans, you’re going for dinner, to see a show, to go on day trips – and you just feel so unbelievably in love. But the heartbreak when saying goodbye? To me it doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever known. I'm fortunate enough that I’ve never had my heart broken by a boy – Anthony is the only relationship I’ve ever had. But sitting next to him on the platform, waiting for the train to arrive and watching him get on and leave me stood on a platform crying, was horrendous. It obviously works both ways, and actually I don’t think it was any easier being the person on the train - if anything it's worse, because you feel like you're abandoning your partner; you're the one physically leaving. It's like you can feel the distance between you growing, like someone is stretching an elastic band – the further it gets, the more it feels like it’s going to break.

So how did we get through it? Again, I’d like to stress that this is not advice! It is just my account of what happened and what worked for us. So the main thing that I would say is key to maintain a long distance relationship is a no-brainer really – communication. You have to accept that you will have to speak to each other as and when you can, and when you both have very different schedules, this can be a nightmare to fit in. We spent a lot of time texting and spoke when we could – it didn’t feel like enough but it was better than nothing, and it got us through.

The other thing to be aware of – you will have to make sacrifices. And lots of them. You will miss parties, you will miss family events, you will struggle to be a part of any sort of society - basically it will feel like you miss a lot! And another thing you will miss – money. I always imagined that I probably would get a part time job at university, but if I wanted our relationship to work, then financially I had no choice (though I'm so glad I worked at Disney, it was one of the best parts of my whole university experience!). Ironically, having a job also makes it harder to see each other because you have another area of your life that you have to plan around! So I'm very grateful to the managers who were at Disney with me, they were so understanding and gave me most weekends off to be able to go and see Anthony/for him to visit me. 

There’s also so many costs that you don’t consider initially. So you expect the train ticket cost, that’s fine (though you don’t realise how soon it adds up!) but we would easily spend at least £100 every time we saw each other, not including the train! We were constantly seeing shows, going for dinner, even just getting takeaways. So we worked out, at an average of seeing each other every three weeks for three years – that’s over £5000!!! Such an insane amount of money, which I know was worth it, because we wouldn’t be together if we hadn’t, but it can get depressing to think about how far that money could go now.

One of the worst parts of long distance for me was the lack of comfort. You can text, you can talk on the phone, but sometimes, you just need a hug. Knowing that you won’t get that hug for another two weeks is so crushing. But on that note, Anthony was seriously the best person I could ever have been in a long distance relationship with. There were several occasions where I was having a tough time, and he came up to York just for one night as a surprise to comfort me. Even when I wasn’t having a bad time, he surprised me by visiting all the time! The most memorable of which to me was my 19th birthday party - my first birthday at uni and he "couldn't make it". I was gutted, and to be honest, slightly resentful, but I had to just move on and deal with it. I was also lucky enough that three of my friends from home were coming to join, so I threw myself into that and was so excited for some quality time with them! Then, while we were all pre-drinking, the doorbell goes, and my flatmate goes to get it. By this point I'm having a great night, loving spending time with my friends and had almost forgotten that Anthony wasn't there! Then who walks through the door? He does. I lost it, as did several other people in the room - I was definitely not the only one crying! Though it unfortunately meant that I didn't get to spend quite such quality time with my friends from home, it still meant the world to me. And Carys, Kate and Holly, if you read this, I'm so sorry I didn't spend enough time with you that night. But I hope you feel that in the long run it was worth it - from memory (or lack of it...) we definitely made up for it on other girls nights! 

Though long distance was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, it's also made us who we are, and I will be forever grateful for that. I believe that it is the main reason that we are such a strong couple today, particularly given the lifestyle that we lead! Neither of us have 9-5 Monday to Friday jobs, our hours at work are always fairly unpredictable, but I think being long distance taught us how to be grateful for each other’s company but also how to enjoy time on our own.

So, to summarise, long distance is hard! But I strongly believe that if you want to make it work, then it will work, it just won’t be easy. I wouldn’t change a thing about our past, including being long distance, and I hope that to anyone reading this who is/has been in a long distance relationship, this can remind you why you keep committing to it - because it is worth every second in the end. And for those of you who haven’t been long distance, I hope it's given you some insight into how I felt about it. I'd also just like to add a thanks to everyone who supported us through it, the list could go on forever so I won't mention anyone by name but I know there were so many people I phoned on the train home and sobbed to - your support is not forgotten, and I will be grateful for it every day. 

That’s it for this blog post, but I'm sure there’ll be another one soon! Thanks for reading 😊