Wedding Dress Shopping with photos!

I have been so excited to write this post since I went dress shopping! This won't be a particularly wordy blog, mainly photos with a description of how I felt in the dress. So lets get going!

The first shop we went to was called Heritage Brides, and was in Hatfield House. It's a beautiful barn setting, and is very private. Sam (the bridal consultant) was lovely, and I would highly recommend this shop to anyone looking for a wedding dress! We very almost bought a dress from here, and we did buy my headpiece from here. Obviously, most of the dresses were not a perfect fit, but a lot of them did up which was a pleasant surprise! And now, without further ado, here are some of the dresses I tried:

This was the first dress that I tried, and it was a nice start! I liked the way that it brought me in at the waist, and the neckline was also really nice. It was just very surreal being in a wedding dress!

This was really similar to the first dress - it had the tulle skirt that I loved, and I really liked the plunge neckline. However, I didn't like the t-shirt sleeves as they felt too informal, and the back was completely see-through, and I wasn't comfortable with the way it showed my back (which is crazy when you consider the dress I ended up with!)

This dress was when we realised that I needed a ballgown shape. It really showed off my waist, and was so comfortable to move around in! But I didn't like the type of lace that was on the skirt, and the top felt a bit too plain for me. But definitely the favourite at this stage!

This one was hilarious. I'd made it clear from the start that I didn't want a satin dress, mainly because my prom dress was satin and I didn't want to feel like I was at prom on my wedding day! But once we put this one on (mainly so that we could confirm that I definitely didn't want satin - I didn't think I wanted a ballgown and was proved wrong there!) there were about 100 other reasons I didn't want satin. It wasn't as comfortable, it felt cheaper and it didn't really do anything for my figure. This one didn't stay on very long at all!

This one was a wild-card. It was a sample dress so I could have taken it straight away rather than it being ordered in, and it was chiffon which I liked. I'd mentioned in my original description of my "dream dress" that it was a Grecian-style. This dress was nice, but again, the t-shirt style bothered me. 

This theoretically was my dream dress. In my head, I wanted strapless with lace on the top, and then a chiffon skirt with a short train. Obviously in this particular dress, the top doesn't fit, but something just didn't feel right. I liked the shape it gave me at my waist but my bottom half just didn't look right, I felt out of proportion. It was a little disheartening to try my "perfect" dress and be so underwhelmed.

This is where myself and Sam disagreed. She was so sure that I was going to love this, but it is a two-piece, not a dress! And I knew that I definitely wanted a dress. I did love the skirt, but I tried on a couple of corsets with it and just didn't feel bridal at all! I was so sure that this wasn't what I wanted, and after we'd tried a couple of different tops, we knew it was time to move on to the next one. 

This one was special. Mum cried, I was breathless, and I felt incredible in it. I loved the neckline, as I felt it was sexy but also really respectful - I knew we were getting married in a catholic church and I didn't want to have too much on show! Mum was ready to get it on the spot, but I didn't like the underlayer on the skirt. Sam had said that it could be removed in alterations but it seemed a bit risky to me to order a dress when you haven't seen what the finished article will be. So we said that we would continue shopping at the other places and come back if we couldn't find anything better (which actually, we didn't think we would!)

The next shop we went to was The Wedding Gallery in St Albans. I cannot recommend this shop enough! Alice was so phenomenal the whole time, and actually I think it was her who picked out the dress I ended up wearing! Maureen the Seamstress was also an absolute miracle worker, and made my dress fit like a glove. The shop itself is incredibly private, from the front it is literally just a door, and then the shop is out the back. Though there's no natural lighting in the actual dress area, it's still so beautiful and light. And the selection of dresses were stunning! I don't think there was a single dress I tried that I didn't like. 

This was the first one I tried on here, and it was SO booby! The pictures don't do it justice. I'm not adverse to showing a bit of boob, but this was borderline inappropriate, particularly for a catholic church! I also didn't like the pattern of the underskirt and I don't like the illusion necklines either.

You may recognise this one! This was a really tough decision, as the sample size was a size 8 (hence why I'm holding up the straps, it felt like I was losing the circulation in my arms when I put them on!). Mum, mother in law and sister all loved this one but I took some convincing. I LOVED the lace pattern, the flowers on it were so beautiful and the neckline was stunning. We added the belt as I felt it needed something, but I wasn't a huge fan of this particular belt. I decided to keep trying dresses and potentially come back to this at the end. 

This one is really similar to mine, and the main reason I put it on was because it was my size, so gave me an idea of how my actual dress would look in my size. Again, I really don't like the illusion neckline but the back on this one was really pretty and very similar to the back on my dress. 

I'd mentioned to Alice that I wasn't sure how comfortable I would be with so much of my back on display, as it's always been a bit chubby and I didn't want to have to work ridiculously hard to make it look good. So she showed me this one which has a beautiful back, but unfortunately I couldn't stand the front! So my dress was still a winner. 

This dress was almost the one. I LOVED the shape, the neckline was so flattering and the top of it was so perfect! The shape of the skirt was amazing, but the only thing I didn't like was the underlayer of the skirt. It's really hard to see in the photo, but there are loads of massive chiffon roses, and I really didn't like them! They possibly could have been removed but this one was a sample dress so it would have had to be an alteration rather than removal in production. It could have altered the shape of the skirt, and it just seemed too much of a risk. I still love this dress though!

This was the first really fitted dress I tried. I like the way that it looks in this photo, but I still have insecurities about my stomach and even though this is really structured around my waist, I was less comfortable in it. It was also really hard to walk because it was so tight around my legs, but if I could just stand still all day, then this would be a contender!

I love this one, but it really didn't suit a winter wedding. This is the sort of dress I would choose if we were having a beach wedding in the summer somewhere tropical. As mum said as well, it is so much less "wow" than the dress I did pick. It's also very similar to the style of bridesmaid dress I wanted, so overall it just didn't suit our wedding. It is so beautiful though!

After trying this one, we put my actual dress back on and worked out whether I was comfortable enough to risk it - I had no idea what it would look like if it actually fit! But I was so in love with the back of the dress, and everyone else there loved it, and as my family's opinion is so important to me, I decided it was the front runner so far. However, I still hadn't had that "the one" feeling, and we had another appointment with a shop the day after, so I decided to hold off buying it until we'd had that appointment. Over the evening we had dinner and drinks (quite a lot of drinks!) and the more we talked about it, the more confident I became that it was the dress I should have. 

The next day we went to Dress In Love in Hertford. The consultant in this shop was lovely, and the dresses were nice but none of them came close to any of the other 3 I loved. I was also slightly bothered by the large window opening onto the street, as people kept peering in and it made me feel a bit self-conscious. The other two shops were so private, I hadn't realised how much I'd appreciated that! We didn't take photos of all the dresses here, but here are the photos of the three that we did take photos of:

This was the first one I tried, and was so different to any of the dresses I tried in the other shops! But if I thought the fitted one in The Wedding Gallery was tight, it was nothing compared to this! I was waddling to get to the mirror, and before I even saw the dress, I knew it was not the way I wanted to walk down the aisle! It made my bum look pretty good but just wasn't worth the discomfort.

The colour of this one was really interesting, and I liked the lace trim at the bottom. But the shape was just wrong for me, I didn't like the way it made me look. 

By the time we got to this dress, I did notice a definite theme to the dresses being picked for me! But this again was just not right. I didn't like the style of the lace at the bottom, it had too much gold on it, the belt was slightly too low and I didn't feel pretty. 

In this shop, I had both my bridesmaids, and we knew we were going back to The Wedding Gallery to look at bridesmaid dresses. Amy hadn't seen my dress yet, so I was waiting for her reaction to finally make up my mind. And it sealed the deal for me! She loved it, I loved it even more putting it on again and everything just felt right. 

Here are the photos from the final fittings, and I'm still so happy with my dress! I wouldn't change a thing about it.

That's all for now, I don't know what the next blog will be about, or when it will be, but I'm so glad this one is finally out! Dress shopping was so much fun, and it's nice that I can now share it properly. 

x

We're Married!

Hello! When I started this series of blog posts, I figured that it would end once I got married. I knew there would be the option to start up a new post if I wanted, but this one no longer made sense once I became Mrs Holmes. However, I don’t think that the actual marriage ceremony is the end of the journey to become Mrs Holmes, so I will be carrying on this blog series until further notice (probably forever). 

So the big news for this post is that we did it! 394 days ago I started this post, 3 days after we got engaged. It’s now been 9 days since our wedding and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier. I don’t really know what this blog post should include, as there is so much I want to write about! But as I said, this is not the last post for this series. So for this one, I’m just going to run through what happened from the time I went back to Oxford for the wedding until the wedding. 

I had booked off from the 7^th to allow time for some bridal beauty prep, some family time, some chill time and time to arrange all the wedding stuff still left to do! I picked up my dress and the bridesmaid dresses en route (massive shout out to The Wedding Gallery in St Albans at this point, I cannot fault a single part of my experience with them!), got home in time to get my nails done, and then had a lovely chilled night with the family. My cousin Amy (also my maid of honour) also announced her pregnancy that evening which was very emotional! It’s been so difficult keeping it a secret but it’s now out for the world to see, and her little baby is the most perfect human ever. I even felt the little one kick the night before the wedding and it was the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced.

The 8^th was also a great day. I had some puppy cuddles in the morning, and then we went over to Milton Hill House to set up our reception, have last minute meetings with photographers and Fiona, and also check into our rooms. Seeing my dress hanging in the window was so surreal, and really bought it all home. Setting up the room was a real team effort, and it was so worth all the work – it looked even better than I imagined! (The photo doesn't include half the detail!)

We then had our church rehearsal that evening, where we practiced walking down the aisle, when we had to say what and what we needed to do for the rings, where photographers would be positioned etc. It was so weird going through the ceremony, it’s ridiculous but I think at this stage it still felt like a dream, it didn’t feel like it should have been happening to me! After the rehearsal, I said my goodbyes to Anthony (my bridesmaids confiscated my phone as I’d been so strict with Amy at her wedding!) and we went for a nice dinner. Then an early night, as I was so aware that I probably wasn’t going to sleep! Amy was a massive help – we were sharing a room, and we spent about an hour just talking about life, which was so grounding and kept me distracted from winding myself up about the wedding. When we decided it was time to sleep, I fell asleep straight away – I just wish it had stayed that way! Any time I stirred during the night, I’d wake with a start and it was so difficult to get back to sleep. The little sleep I had was very broken, and at 7 I admitted defeat and got up, and though I hadn’t slept much, I wasn’t expecting to sleep at all!

The morning of the wedding, I was a bag of nerves! I really struggled to eat anything (but did force a small pastry down on the advice of every married person I’ve ever spoken to!). I was so ready to be married to Anthony but was nervous about messing up during the ceremony, as well as worrying about the weather (it was raining at this point.) That being said, I loved the atmosphere in the room, and Mel did an INCREDIBLE job of all of our hair and make-up. The last 10 minutes was manic, everyone throwing dresses around, zips getting stuck, stuff absolutely everywhere, and the bus leaving very soon (which the bridal party needed to be on!). After the madness, I actually ended up at the church early – I’m probably the only bride ever to have got to the end of the aisle 10 minutes before the ceremony was actually meant to start! The service was so beautiful. I was a sobbing mess walking down the aisle; I just saw Anthony turn around, and I lost it. Pretty sure I ugly cried but we’ll have to wait for the professional photos for that joy! I was really emotional for the rest of the ceremony, but I managed to keep it together. Any time I looked over at Anthony, he’d catch my eye and give me a smile or a wink, and it melted my heart every time. I’ve never been surer of anything than I was about marrying Anthony in that moment.

When the ceremony finished and we left the church, we had a few precious minutes of privacy, in which we let the momentum of what we’d just done sink in. I barely remember it and I don’t think we even really said anything to each other, but the atmosphere and the chemistry in that room was something I’ve never experienced; it was beautiful. We did a walk back through the church where we got some confetti shots and some family photos, at which point it started to snow! So romantic (but very cold!) so we hurried up the photos and headed back to the hotel. However it didn’t get much warmer, as we went pretty much straight outside for our couple photos, which was basically a 20-30 minute walk in 2°C weather. However, I have no issues with the cold! I barely felt it because of the adrenaline, and I’m so grateful that it was sunny for our photos – it only rained in the morning while we were getting ready.

The dinner was amazing – both of us were still so high on adrenaline that we really struggled to eat, but the food wasn’t wasted; it was shared among the table (to some more than others!). The speeches were all also incredible, very emotional but again, I managed to keep myself together. The next time I lost control of my emotions was our first dance. It was such a perfect moment, and though Anthony picked the song, it really hit me hard on the night, it was such a good choice (“how can a moment last forever” by Celine Dion for anyone who is interested, you may recognise it from the live action Beauty and the Beast).

The rest of the night was just an amazing party – another shout out here to Visually Sound Events (our DJ) – Matt was so beyond amazing, people can’t stop complimenting us on the music, and he was so accommodating and helpful in the booking process! For any events requiring music or lighting, definitely give him a shout. I also highly recommend having Twister (the game) and pizza (the food) at your wedding – it was such a hit, and playing twister in my dress on my wedding day is something I will never forget!

The only other thing I wanted to talk about (here comes the inevitable) is my amazing husband. I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming, but of course he had a surprise planned for the evening reception. Little did I know, but while we were having night-time photos and mingling with our evening guests, Anthony’s work colleagues were working their arses off to put in several incredible instalments in the main room. We had a working fountain at the back of the room, which was also lit and created a beautiful glow around the room! We also had a small cinema booth (which played a selection of films close to us), a seated replica of Kings Cross Station, and a Disney colouring booth. I had no idea about any of this, and it was such a beautiful surprise! They were all such a hit with the guests as well, and I can’t wait to see the professional photos of my reaction!

I know this is a super rambly post, but I’m still so all over the place. I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been, and am really enjoying just spending time with Anthony. So on that note, I’m going to leave it there and go spend some time with my lovely husband, but rest assured that there will be plenty more posts to come!

Thanks to everyone for sharing this journey with me, I look forward to the future!

x

The final post from Miss Gaunt!

Hello!

So this is the last blog post before I become Mrs Holmes. We have 12 days left, and I just wanted to give a brief update on how we’re feeling, what’s going on and what we have planned for the future.

In terms of planning, I think we’re pretty much there! We’ve ordered the sweets for our favours, so will need to assemble them the day before the wedding, but other than that, everything is sorted. I’ve had my final dress fitting, Anthony has picked up his suit, the rings are ready to go, I’ve reconfirmed with all the vendors, and been over everything with our venue coordinator.  Emotionally, we’re both very happy and excited. People keep asking how we’re feeling, and in truth, I’m so ready to be Anthony’s wife. Any nerves or stress that I’m feeling has nothing to do with the commitment we’re making, it’s purely nerves about things going wrong on the day. Overall I’m in a really positive place. Yes I’m stressed, but it’s only because I care so much about the day, and I want it to be perfect for both me and Anthony.

We’ve got a few days booked off together this week, and we’re taking a short trip to Harrogate, so that we can spend a bit more time together before the wedding. When Anthony initially suggested it I thought it seemed unnecessary and just an added expense, but I’m so glad we’re doing it. Panto finishes today which means I won’t really see Anthony over the next few days. But now that we’ve planned the trip, we can have some nice quality time together. Anthony has also got his stag do on the Friday, so it’s good that he’ll be relaxed and have time to get excited for that.

Plans after the wedding – we are having a Minnie-moon in Disneyland Paris, which I am SO excited for! The day after the wedding, we will be spending the night at the hotel we stayed at on the night we got engaged. It’s also a perfect location, as it is opposite St Pancras, so we’ll only have to cross the road to get to the Eurostar. We’re also seeing Aladdin (as we did the night we got engaged), so it will be a Disney filled week! Our actual honeymoon will be later in the year, and we’re going to go to Italy – currently we’ve agreed that we will go to Trieste, Verona, Venice and Rome.

That’s all I really have to say! Certainly not my longest blog post, but there isn’t much to update on. The long and short of it is that everything is arranged, we’re both very happy, and this time in 12 days we’ll be eating our first meal as a married couple. I’m so excited to be sharing my future with Anthony, and once the excitement and hectic-ness of married life has settled down, I’ll write a post about the day. Now goodbye from Miss Gaunt, for the final time!

Four Weeks Today!

Hello! So today marks the 4 week mark until the wedding… eeee! So many different emotions (all positive!) This blog post is just going to be a catch up on everything that has happened over the last few weeks. My last couple of blogs haven’t been directly related to our wedding plans, so sorry if I repeat anything I’ve already said but it’s been so long since I posted a strictly wedding update that I can’t remember what’s already been covered!

So I guess a good place to start is hen do’s! (Yes I have had multiple, I am needy.) My first one was my work one, and it certainly kicked them off with a bang! The lovely ladies I was celebrating with had planned a Disney theme, so we were pre-drinking to Pocahontas (drink every time someone sings, which it turns out is a fair amount!) while doing a “how well do I know the groom” quiz. I did pretty well but I feel like it was more of a ploy to get me to divulge gossip! But certainly set a great mood for the night. We then went into town, where the girls had planned a scavenger hunt. It was so thoughtful and so well planned, I loved it! Alongside the scavenger hunt, they’d also set some group challenges. Now, me being the competitive person I am, decided to take it on alone. It certainly made for some funny experiences!

The next hen do was a “generic” one – the one that I planned to include people from several social groups, not just work and family. This one was also amazing! We went to London, starting in Dirty Martini, on to Adventure Bar and then ending in Loop. In Dirty Martini, I gave the girls some activity sheets, such as pick my something blue etc., and a guess the wedding details game. Going through them the day after certainly made the hangover easier, they were hilarious! We also did some Hen Do Dares in Loop Bar, which I’m sure were funny, if I could remember them… I’m very thankful to the girls for looking after me, especially Alex who trekked through London at 2am to find a subway for me (McDonalds was closed), even though she knew full well that I would have passed out by the time she got back! (Don’t worry, I ate it the next day, I never waste food!) And then this weekend I’ve got my final hen do, a spa break with my family, which I’m very excited for!

One of the other exciting things that have happened over the past few weeks is I’ve had my dress fitting after the alterations! Obviously there will be no photos here, but the experience was so phenomenal. I didn’t want to voice it, but I was having serious doubts about my dress. It was someone else who picked it out for me (I can’t remember if it was a family member or the shop owner), and although I loved it when I tried it, it was a risk because I didn’t know what it would look like in the right size (the store one was a size 8 so didn’t even fit slightly!). I was excited for the next fitting, but it still didn’t look good. Even the fitting after that, once the seamstress had pinned it I still didn’t feel that it accentuated my shape the right way. I was starting to really panic – you can’t return wedding dresses, and it wasn’t cheap! There was also the issue that it was too late to order another dress, so the chances of me finding the perfect one at this point were basically zero. So I just started to prepare myself to learn to like it; I took a risk and maybe it didn’t pay off.

Then we went for the next fitting. I never anticipated that my opinion could change so much, but my dress is PERFECT! There are several factors that will have influenced this; I’d lost a decent amount of weight, I was in a good mood and the seamstress had actually taken the dress in slightly more than she intended, which massively worked in my favour because in my opinion she hadn’t originally pinned it tight enough to show off my waist! The way it fits now is really tight but in a secure way, it’s not uncomfortable at all and there are no unflattering bulges. There is a tiny bit of room for me to lose weight if I choose to, but absolutely zero room for weight gain, which is amazing because it will keep me on track.

We’ve also sorted a lot of the smaller things. I’ve been getting really stressed by the fact that there is still (what feels like) a lot to do, even though I’ve been calming myself by reminding myself that if we did nothing between now and the wedding, it would still be an amazing day. The small things are what make our day individual, so are really important to us. Last night, I had a massive organising session, ordered some stuff, paid for some of the other stuff we’d booked, and we’re now at the stage where pretty much all we need to do are the order of service and favours.

I’ve also been writing in a journal that my friend got me for secret Santa (it’s so beautiful!). I’ve been using it as a 50 day countdown, not writing in it every day but updating it whenever there is a change of mood, we’ve sorted something or I need some time to offload any worries. I love writing these blogs, but there are some things that I feel need to be private, particularly at this stage! I feel like it’s been a really healthy way to offload and keep my emotions in check (well, reasonably…) so that me and Anthony don’t end up with tension between us.

I guess I’ll finish this blog the way I finish most of them, by singing Anthony’s praises. As I’ve mentioned, the last month has been really really stressful with planning, and both of us having full time jobs. It also means that the limited time we have to plan the wedding together, we’re both knackered, and so sometimes we get a little bit short with each other. A couple of nights ago we got really bogged down in it all and were snapping at each other, so we decided to just end the planning there for the night. But what was amazing was that we came back together about 3 minutes later, gave each other a hug and apologised, and then spent the evening cuddling. I know that a lot of relationships fail in the engagement period, and I understand why, because it is really tough! But I feel like we’re stronger than ever, and so much more in love than ever. I haven’t had a single doubt or worry about actually being married, all of my concerns have been about the day.

So overall, how am I feeling? Still pretty stressed, and VERY emotional – I’ve cried the last 4 days on my way into work because I was stuck in traffic and thinking about the wedding. Happy tears, I’d like to add! I’m also now getting butterflies whenever I think about it, which I think is a mixture of nerves and definitely excitement. I’m also ridiculously happy, I feel like I’m glowing (not a pregnancy glow!). I just cannot wait for the big day to be here and to finally be Anthony’s wife.

Marrying into Catholicism

Hi guys! 

So this is a blog post that I’ve been intending to write pretty much since getting engaged, and I think it’s actually really important to talk about. It’s also going to be a difficult one to write, because I desperately don’t want to disrespect or miscommunicate some of my feelings towards my relationship with Catholicism. Therefore it’ll probably be very wordy, so I apologise in advance!

I feel that the best place to start is to give you an overview of my religious background, and my beliefs. I was christened as a baby (C of E), but have never really been raised with any religious views. I don’t wish to speak on behalf of my parents but I don’t think either of them are strong believers of God (though I know mum was raised in a relatively religious household as a child). It was always something in our family that we can explore if we want to, but nothing was ever forced upon us; it was always our choice. It was something I gave some thought to initially in late primary school as I started learning things in RE. At that time, I decided that I was agnostic; quite frankly, the whole thing was a bit confusing for me! In secondary school, I became very interested in science, and my way of thinking became much more rational, in the sense of desiring proof to explain certain things. Obviously there has always been the science vs faith debate – one of my favourite songs actually pays tribute to it! (Science and Faith by The Script, check it out if you’ve never heard it!) So secondary school led to me deciding that I don’t believe in God (I was never a strong believer so it wasn’t a milestone moment), mainly due to proof of evolution, lack of proof from bible stories, and the horrors of the world, which didn’t seem possible to me if there was an all-loving God.

However, I don’t believe that there is nothing. I believe in a version of “Heaven”, where all our loved ones go (I’ve never considered if there is a “Hell” in my beliefs as I’m fairly sure none of my family would be there!). In this “Heaven”, they look out for us (I guess in the way that Christians believe God does.) This was a belief that stemmed primarily from the loss of my Nanny when I was a young teenager; I’d often speak to her at times, tell her about my life, and talk about the things that I wanted to happen in the future – I guess in a way I prayed to her? She was a massive comfort to me in times of trouble, and as stupid as it sounds, a lot of the stuff I “asked” her to help me with, came true. I’m sure that there are plenty of flaws in this belief, and it’s probably not real but it’s comforting feeling that the loved ones I’ve lost are still around, watching over me. 

So that in a nutshell is what I believe – essentially, our own family members and close friends play the role that Christians believe God does. And while my upbringing didn’t really have any religious elements, Anthony’s certainly did. His father is C of E, and his paternal grandfather is actually a C of E vicar. His mother’s family are Roman Catholic, and this is the religion in which he and his older brother were raised. They regularly attended church, they went to a Catholic primary school, and they served at the altar at their church. Anthony’s religion is really important to him, and that’s something that I’m really proud of; but it is something which in the early stages of our relationship troubled me.

Let me just make clear here that I’ve always been really respectful of other people’s religious beliefs, whether they are Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, anything! Just because I don’t believe in it doesn’t mean it’s not important to someone else. But it is also something that I rarely had to think about, as I didn’t really know many religious people. It was something I didn’t really understand, and didn’t really need to know, so was easier to just not worry about it. Then of course I met Anthony, and it was soon apparent to me how much his religion meant to him. Now please don’t get me wrong, his religion never put me off him as a person. It just concerned me and made me slightly uncomfortable because I was extremely uneducated in what Catholicism is, and how I would fit into his life while not sharing his beliefs – it didn’t seem possible to me. 

Anthony has always been incredible with me and my lack of religion. He has never forced me to believe in anything, never asked me to become Catholic, never pushed me away because I don’t share his belief; he’s just loved and respected me as the person I am. He’s patiently educated me about Catholicism but only when I’ve asked about it; he’s never forced knowledge onto me, and never scoffed when I haven’t understood what he’s talking about. He’s been so respectful of my lack of faith, just as I have been with his relationship with Catholicism. His parents have also been amazing; when I met them for the first time, I was worried that they wouldn’t approve of me because I wasn’t Catholic (which seems ridiculous knowing them now because they are the loveliest people!) but it was never even a slight issue!

There has never been a time that I wished Anthony wasn’t Catholic; though there were times I was annoyed about some of the “impracticalities” it caused, particularly earlier in our relationship. A prime example is me not being able to see him on Sunday mornings (bear in mind we were at school when we first got together and we lived a 45 minute drive from each other, so could only really see each other at weekends, especially before we could drive!). But these feelings of annoyance eased very quickly, as I got to see how part of the reason he’s who he is today is because of his religion. I very quickly stopped worrying about the effect that his religion would have on our relationship, and instead delved into sharing it with him; learning his views and beliefs, why it is so important to him and how it shaped him as a person. 

I think deep down, we always knew we were going to get married, but obviously it didn’t really become a reality until about 6 months after we started living together. At this point, I felt that I had to give thought again to my feelings about Catholicism. I couldn’t see it being a dealbreaker, but it was definitely something I had to consider; would it be an issue later in life? As I mentioned earlier, up to this point we only really spoke about it when I wanted to, and it didn’t really have much to do with our relationship; his belief was his own personal thing. But I knew that once we married, even though I don’t have to become a Catholic, it will have a much more significant impact on my life. I don’t think I felt emotionally ready to face that, and I think in truth a lot of that was because I was embarrassed that I still felt like I didn’t know anything about Catholicism! So it was something that I pushed to the back of my mind, and I focused more on the superficial elements of what getting engaged would be like, like the ring and the wedding dress. 

Almost a year after these initial considerations of life with a Catholic husband, Anthony popped the question. It was the best moment of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever have a feeling like it. The love that you feel in that moment in indescribable. But a week or so later, once the initial excitement had died down slightly, the religious thoughts came back to the forefront of my mind. I knew that I had to speak to Anthony about it, because there was absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I wanted to marry him, but I definitely needed more understanding about Catholicism and what my role would be within it. As ever, he was incredible. Obviously he’s never been married before either, so the notion of a Catholic wedding was relatively new ground for both of us. But he was able to provide some insight into what would be expected in a Catholic marriage. We spoke very frankly and honestly about how we felt about each element, and our thoughts and feelings aligned perfectly. I can’t explain what a relief this was! And from that moment on, I felt so much more comfortable about Catholicism than I ever had before, and chose to make the huge step to go to church with Anthony. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in churches; I feel almost like a hypocrite being there. But we went along, and Anthony was (again!) amazing. He constantly checked I was ok, told me when to stand, when to kneel, what I do and don’t have to take part in (e.g. communion), and just made the whole experience so easy for me. 

We went to meet the priest after Mass and Anthony introduced me as his fiancée (it was a bit of an eeeee! moment as I hadn’t heard him call me that before!). I wasn’t expecting the priest to judge me as such, but I was unsure (as I had been with his parents) about whether he would disapprove of Anthony marrying a non-Catholic who is not willing to convert to become a Catholic myself. But not only was there no judgement, but also no pressure; just a happiness to meet me and welcome me to the church. We’ve been to church together several times since, and he is always so welcoming and so friendly! He has also made this whole journey so much easier for me.

We’ve also been to Anthony’s home church in East Hendred (where we’re getting married) together a few times. It was really reassuring when we had the order of service discussion with Father Andrew (the priest marrying us). He explained what sort of things are expected in a catholic marriage and when he asked if I was planning to convert, I was nervous saying no, but again, there was no judgement. On Christmas Eve he also took the time to come and find me personally after the service to say it was good to see me. We’ve also finished our online Marriage Prep course, with mixed results! But generally I think it’s been a good thing for us. 

So within less than a year, I’ve gone from someone who was always respectful of Catholicism but had no desire to be a part of it, to someone who is actually incredibly proud to be marrying into it. My beliefs haven’t changed, and I don’t see myself ever being a Catholic, but I’m so happy that my husband will be, as will our children. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster (though not really with any downs as such, just a few spirals), but I feel that the personal growth I’ve made during the journey to better understand Catholicism is really special. Also the desire for it to be a part of my life (not just willingness as I always thought it would be, but actual desire!) – That’s something that I never ever thought I’d be saying!

Anthony obviously gets a lot of credit for this, as does Father Danny (our local priest), and also Anthony’s parents. The wedding is almost 2 months away now, and I just feel so delighted that I actually want to get married in a Catholic church! It’s been a really special journey.

Body Confidence

Hi guys!

I’ve been debating since getting engaged whether I want to write this post, but I’ve figured that I should for several reasons. Number 1, I’m hoping that it will keep me motivated. Number 2, hopefully it can inspire someone? And number 3, I feel like every single person in this world deals with some sort of insecurity on a daily basis, and I feel like I’m coming from a really positive place now so maybe it can help people deal with their own issues.

My family have always been “nicely covered” as my mum puts it- I tend to go for curvy but quite frankly, it all amounts to a nice way of saying that none of us are naturally slim! But that wasn’t something I really noticed until I was about 14; I think that’s the age a lot of girls start to notice the media pressure and the difference in their body compared to other girls the same age – I’m sure it’s also true for guys! My friends were all quite slim, so it was when we were getting ready for parties etc. that I’d notice I couldn’t wear their clothes because they were too small, and I couldn’t buy similar clothes to them because you needed a flat stomach to pull them off. It didn’t bother me too much because I was quite good at dressing to hide my size (don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t obese! But I was carrying some timber).

The reason I lost weight is actually a little bit ridiculous, but regardless it set me off on a really great journey to getting somewhat comfortable in my skin, so I’m glad I chose to take on the ludicrous task of dropping 2 dress sizes in 3 weeks! So the thing that spurred me to lose weight was… a fancy dress costume. In year 12, me and a group of friends decided to go as characters from Shrek to our “Fright Night”. I was going as the fairy godmother (Shrek 2) and my friend Holly had the perfect dress! So I went to try it on… and it wouldn’t do up. Not even close. Holly said it was fine and we could find something else, but something in my head just clicked. It was almost definitely my competitive nature, but I decided that I was DEFINITELY going to get in that dress, whatever it took. I won’t detail my diet plan for those three weeks, because it most certainly wasn’t healthy, quite frankly it was dangerous! But 3 weeks later, the dress zipped up. (Before and after below)

After Fright Night, I felt amazing. I felt confident, I felt slim, I just felt like I wasn’t embarrassed of who I was for the first time in a long time. But actually this feeling stemmed from the fact that I knew other people had commented on my weight loss, so they must be impressed right? Which means I must look ok? Basically, my “confidence” was actually based on insecurity – it was entirely what other people thought of me. I still hated my body, and knew there was a long way to go. So I continued with the weight loss, but in a much healthier way! I managed to maintain it fairly solidly during uni (shout out to my gym-buddy Em for keeping me in shape despite the alcohol and takeaways) – I put on a bit of weight in third year when I discovered that I actually love wine as a casual drink, as well as to get drunk on! But still I looked pretty decent when I graduated. (Start of uni and end of uni photos below)

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it went downhill, but I’m pretty sure it started when we went to Florida. Obviously I put on weight while I was there due to all the incredible food (but also the incredible sized portions!), and then I think it just spiralled out of control. I knew I’d put on weight, but think I had what I’m calling “comfortable syndrome”. I was living with Anthony, I knew he loved me, everything was working out well with us living together, and life generally was pretty good! But I was also unhappy in my job (and surrounded by food while I was there), which led to comfort eating. This alongside the fact that I knew Anthony loved me for me and not how I looked led to me being bigger than I’d ever been.

The next turning point should have been my cousins wedding in January this year, and it was initially! I lost a couple of inches off everywhere in the space of two months (September-November), but then put on a stupid amount of weight over Christmas and was still big for her wedding. Then, I got engaged. Obviously, weight was something I considered from day 1 – I need to get slim for the wedding. Once we set the date for Feb, the plan was simple – lose almost too much weight before Christmas so that I could put some on and still look amazing for our wedding! But again, that didn’t happen.

So, I’m sure you have probably worked it out by now but I REALLY love food, and don’t really enjoy exercise. I force myself to exercise because I don’t want to make too many compromises on food; I literally cannot stress how much I love food. I wake up and plan dinner. I go on a night out and while I’m getting ready I plan what food I’m getting at the end of the night. I have had, and will always have, fat-girl-brain. But I’ve learned over time how to deal with that (by making healthier substitutions where possible, exercising harder if I know I’ve got a big meal coming up, and also just accepting that sometimes you’re allowed to eat and drink! There’s no point restricting your food and drink intake if it means you’re going to have a miserable time). I think what’s also key in this change of confidence is the shift in my attitude. I’ve accepted that everyone has flaws, and that my stomach will probably never be flat, and I will never have a thigh gap. But that’s ok! I also have a proportionally small waist, pretty decent boobs and bum, my skin is quite good and I don’t dislike my face. Writing that isn’t comfortable because part of me still doesn’t feel like I should like the way I look because it’s vain, and what if I see myself as pretty when no one else does? I still deal with these insecurities on a daily basis. But I think the way I deal with this is knowing that life is too short. I know that I have parts of my body that I love. And I know that with diet and exercise, I can love every part of me!

So that leaves us with where I am now. The short answer is, my body is not where I planned for it to be in terms of size/toning, but actually a lot further than I thought I was a week ago. I don’t seem to notice my weight loss as it happens, it’s very much a before-and-after thing, with nothing in the middle. I was getting frustrated the other night that I didn’t feel I’d lost much even though I’d worked my arse off for 3 weeks. Last time I did that I dropped 2 dress sizes! I was talking to Amy and Mel (cousin and sister, maid of honour and bridesmaid respectively) about it and they said I should take my measurements. That’s how I used to track weight loss and gain, but I hadn’t taken any since March. In fact, that’s a lie, I had taken them since then but they didn’t show any improvement (they actually showed weight gain) and it was really depressing so I didn’t track them. This is why I stopped measuring at all, because I didn’t want to be disheartened. But Mel and Amy kept encouraging me to do so, and it made a massive difference because it turns out I have lost weight, and a fair bit at that!

Now, I am SO aware that last year, I was in a similar situation – tracking weight for a wedding (my cousin Amy’s) and then put on a lot of weight over Christmas. So I am PAINFULLY aware that this Christmas is going to be hard. And January, for that matter. But I feel like I’m in a totally different place. I don’t hate the way I look now, so I just need to maintain it over Christmas, and then focus on toning problem areas. By focusing on my diet, I become obsessed, and then crave everything I can’t have. Not ideal! This time around, it’s everything in moderation. Mum has been telling me this for years, and I hate to admit she’s right (though she always is right in the end) but genuinely, this is the best I’ve ever lost weight, because I don’t wake up hating every day because I can’t eat what I want to.

Now we get to the part that I’ve had to get slightly drunk to decide if I’m going to do this. I have progress pictures. These are tricky for me because firstly, the person in the “before” pictures makes me feel so sick. And also, the person in the “now” pictures (they’re not after, because I’m not done working on me!) isn’t how I want me to be, but is definitely on the way. And there’s a saying, that you can’t see how far you’ve come until you look back at where you started; these pictures define that. I feel like I’d been the same size for 2 years, and though there’s definitely been fluctuations, I’m clearly not the same size anymore! So, here goes… *takes massive swig of gin*

 

 I also feel like here I have to justify these pictures (I will always be a bit insecure!). These pictures are not fishing for compliments at all! I just wanted to address something that has always bothered me, and I used to be so inspired by people sharing photos of their insecurities; I felt I should give it a go. This is a massive step for me and I feel very uncomfortable (and slightly drunk; Dutch courage is a miracle worker!)

I don’t really know where to go from here… so I think to conclude, the main points of this very rambly blog are that I have somehow found body confidence, but while also being aware of my flaws (but no longer intimidated by them). Anthony has been amazing at boosting me up, and my friend Carys from school was also a massive support; she really helped get me to the person I am today, and helped me find some semblance of confidence even when I was big! Obviously there are so many other people that helped me, but actually I think the most influential person was me. Everyone said that when you look back when you’re older, you’ll wish you were as fat as when you thought you were fat – that is so true. I was fat, but I also when I was size 10 with a flat stomach, I thought I was fat because I had rolls when I sat down. With age, you come to realise that those things don’t actually matter, and most people probably have that anyway! The most important person to accept you for who you are is you. I’m happy enough with how I look, but also aware of the areas I need to work on to make me wholly body-happy. But the confidence I feel now just makes me generally a happier person.

I’m going to leave it there because I don’t think there’s anything else to say. If anyone wants to message me/comment/anything, please do because I know what it’s like to be plagued by insecurities, and though I can’t necessarily offer an answer, I can help support you. You can do this! Every one of us is beautiful, you just have to have the inner strength to see that. And that won’t happen overnight, but the journey is worth it.

Sending lots of love to you all!

 x

94 days...

Hi guys!

I feel like this is a trend for the opening of my blogs… sorry it’s been so long! Life has been manic – it’s crazy enough planning a wedding, let alone doing it alongside two full time jobs, settling into a new flat and trying to maintain some semblance of a life! I don’t have anything specific to write about in this blog, but I’m conscious that it’s been a while; so much has happened but nothing has happened at the same time. So here is your fair warning, this will probably be a bit of a ramble.

 

Last time I posted, we’d just bought our flat. I’m happy to announce that it’s now fully decorated, almost fully furnished, and definitely feeling more like home. It’s also a massive relief to be able to think about the wedding again; during the whole flat-buying process, it definitely took a backseat. I’ve genuinely loved every second of wedding planning, and I missed it while we were fighting with solicitors!

Fairly soon after buying the flat, I knew that it was time to get round to sorting invitations; it’s all well and good planning an amazing wedding, but if no one is there then it’s not quite the same! We did some shopping around on google, at wedding fayre’s, Pinterest etc. The invitations were one of the only things that I had a clear picture in my head of how they should look, and I couldn’t find anywhere that would do what I wanted for less than £10 per head; as much as I love the people invited, £1000 for invites seemed a bit extravagant! So we made the “great decision” to make our own.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that we did it and we did save a shedload of money! But to anyone else thinking about making your own invites, my main piece of advice would be to do them early. To make roughly 100 took me about 3 months! They are a phenomenal amount of effort, but now that they’re all finished, they are 100% worth it – they’re exactly what I pictured in my head.


The next update is the amazing weekend that we had at the start of October. We decided to have a major wedding planning weekend, to include a trip to the church we’re marrying in, cake tasting and menu tasting (we really like food). Firstly, it was really reassuring for me how much more comfortable I felt going to church.

At this stage, I feel like Fr Danny deserves a shout-out; he is the priest at our local church in Knebworth, and I’ve never met anyone who’s been more welcoming or made me feel more comfortable than Fr Danny has. He’s such a lovely man, and I love the fact that he’ll be the priest for our new marital family. I’ll probably do a whole other blog post about marrying into Catholicism, but it’s something that with time I’ve really gotten proud of.

Enough deep stuff, onto the food! So as I’ve mentioned before, Anthony’s mum is making the cake. Even though I know she’s an amazing cook, I had minor reservations; would she still enjoy the day? Would the cake be as amazing as it is in my head? Would she be able to get all the flavours that I want? Well, having tried the cake, the answer to that is a resounding YES. It was PHENOMENAL. I’m not going to add photos because a) we agreed it needs a few small (tiny!) tweaks, and b) I don’t want to ruin the surprise for people on the day. The photo that I will attach from that section of the day is our rings, because you’ve seen them in blogs before and they’re just so beautiful! We chose to keep them at Anthony’s parents’ house mainly because that’s where they’ll need to be on the day, but also because I can’t stop looking at them/trying them on!

So, the menu tasting – it was amazing. Every single bite of food was a delight, but it was more the service and the treatment that we received that blew my mind. We had prosecco on arrival, a private room with a view of the beautiful grounds. As if that wasn’t enough, we also had canapés and starters, even though we said we’re not having either for the wedding. And the house wine included wasn’t too bad either… it’s a good job Anthony was sober enough to speak to the head chef cos I was definitely in a euphoric food/wine/happiness buzz!

We also had our engagement shoot; this led to very mixed emotions. Neither of us are particularly comfortable in front of a camera, nor are we particularly photogenic. The shoot itself was fun; we had it at Wytham woods which is really pretty, and I think both of us miss living in the country. Our photographer is also lovely, and it was really easy to talk to him on the way around. At the end of the shoot, we just felt odd. Neither of us could put our finger on why, I still can’t really; I think it was just unfamiliar. However, the majority of photos were really beautiful. Some of the posed ones surprised us – we’ve never really managed to take a nice photo of us when we knew it was being taken!  But the best ones were the more natural ones. We’re keeping most of them private but here’s a few sneak peaks for you!

We’ve also had Anthony’s birthday which was a lot of fun; I took him to Cardiff for a few days, during which we took a day trip to Barry Island. It was so much fun, and Gavin and Stacey was one of the first shows that we watched as a couple. It may have rained but it didn’t dampen our spirits!

Overall, we’ve done a lot over the last couple of months, but it hasn’t always been plain-sailing. To take on a new flat, a wedding, seeing family and friends, working for 40 hours a week (plus the commute) is a lot; I think that we under-estimated how much work it would be! But I feel that all it’s done is solidify our relationship. Every day, I get more and more nervous about the wedding and everything that needs doing, but all I feel about marrying Anthony is excitement. And love – overwhelming, heart-bursting love. I don’t believe in soulmates, but I do 100% believe that Anthony is my other half, my better half. He’s the spoon to my Ben and Jerry’s, the dip to my pizza, the onesie to my winter evening; he is the thing in my life that makes everything better. And on that sickening note, I’ll leave you all to enjoy your day! Thanks for reading, and I’ll update you when I can.

See ya!

x